Social Woes

I survived yesterday’s vile mood shift. Towards evening I even pepped up a tiny bit, though that might have been the wine my friend with benefits brought me. (Yeah, yeah, judge me, it was my birthday and I ain’t dead yet.)
Had a rough night, couldn’t get comfortable with the bruised rib and turning over was agonizing. The coughing fits didn’t help. What it resulted in was hitting snooze for 70 straight minutes and waking up with 16 mins to get my slow poke fit throwing kid ready for school. I am rocking the solid parenting thing. We left same time we always do so she was in no danger of being late, but she still gave me a stern lecture on “almost making her late.” She’s like a moody 12 year old in a 5 year old body.

Thus far I have done fuck all but feed cats and wash out a couple of trash cans. I’m not feeling the high motivation thing. My dishes are piled up (Oh no, panic, the world will implode) and the laundry is about three loads behind. Need to clean cat boxes.
Housework is cruel and neverending. That’s why I don’t sweat it as much as others. So I get it all done in a timely fashion every day. It’s just going to keep going. Vicious cycle. It will get done when it gets done. Meh.

So tonight is my birthday outing with Mrs. R and I think she was going to invite one or two other women. The anxiety has already begun. I don’t even know why. I did fine last time (okay, I did have the starter drinks to ward off panic, but I am nearly incapable of socializing without a drink, bad as it makes me look.) I’m so ill at ease with others, even people I’ve known my whole life. I feel like I am on display and under obligation to perform and behave a certain way.
Cyclothymia finds this hysterical.
Anxiety decides that’s the perfect time to flare up.
So rather than social outings being some “yayyy” thing…They are some “uggh,can’t wait til it’s over” thing.
I do put the fun in dysfunction.
It doesn’t matter whether I have a good time or not.
The lead up anxiety and dread pretty much nullify any fun to be had.

But I have a role to play and so I shall. I will smile and show gratitude and laugh. All the while counting the minutes until I am off display and can just go back to being my moody loner self.

This is a crucial point for me in my mental disorders. It is also one I highlight vehemently when I go up for review on my disability claim. Mental illness for me isn’t some opportunistic excuse to avoid things I don’t like.
I can’t even enjoy life because this shit interferes with every aspect. Even things I love.
Some want to point out my periods of functionality and how I have managed the single mom thing.
Makes me wonder how they would feel if they only functioned highly a few months of the year then were judged as all better.
Yes, I manage. I don’t do it with grace and I struggle. I don’t see the other options.
I chose to bring my child into this world. There is no opting out of being a mom to her.
Mental illness just makes it harder. Failure is not an option so I try even harder.

I fail, a lot. There are days my kid goes out with her shoes on the wrong feet and I don’t even notice til after the fact. Some days I forget to brush the moss off my fangs.
The world doesn’t end and my heart isn’t breaking that the super soccer mom league won’t be extending me an invitation.

Point being…There simply is no aspect of my life my disorders don’t spill into.
It makes life a very tough thing to navigate.
and there is no GPS with life so you’re on your own.
Not easy when even fun things get tainted.

But I will paste on the happy face because for once in my screwed up life, I have friends who care enough to want to go out with me. Which means my social awkwardness has improved to the point of no longer alienating everyone.
It’s still awkward. It’s still excrutiating.
But I’ve made progress.
Small victories must be embraced.
Margeritas will help, though.

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5 Responses to “Social Woes”

  1. jenusingword Says:

    Best wishes with your birthday. Hope it goes well and you make it through. I feel the same about getting out, it just isn’t my cup of tea right now.

  2. Happy birthday! I hope it goes well, but may I ask why you have someone take you out for your birthday when you hate it so much? I understand you need to densentisize yourself to the anxiety, but your birthday doesn’t seem like it would be the most enjoyable if you chose that day for doing this.

    • Actually yesterday was my birthday but my friend works during the week. She offered tonight instead. I don’t know I am trying to desensitize myself to the anxiety, it’s been there since I was a child. I think this is more about her wanting to do things with me for the last three years and me always finding some way to flake out. She’s proven to be a good friend and I don’t want my issues alienating that. Besides. My husbands rarely wanted to take me out for drinks, it’s nice knowing someone not ashamed to be seen in public with me. 😉

      On Fri, Jan 23, 2015 at 2:59 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  3. I LOVE your writing. Your struggles come through and touch my heart but are also very entertaing to read about. The “fun” in dysfunction? I am still laughing at that one. All my best to you.

    • Thank you so much. I like that you find my writing touching yet entertaining. It’s sort of the spirit it is intended in, but writing isn’t as clear as verbal communication. People miss the nuances of sarcastic humor, tongue in cheek self deprecation and such.
      Glad someone gets my writing.

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