Restless Fragments

Physically, I feel better today. Well, the allergy thing is still major suckage.
Basically, though, my mind is in a pile of fragments and restless ones, at that.
Thoughts rapid fire so quick I can’t grab onto one. I can’t focus. I don’t enjoy anything.
One minute it’s “do something, anything, something.”
the next it’s, “like what?”
Of course, there’s a list of stuff I could do.
But no sooner than one thought becomes tangible enough to snatch out of thin air, it is obliterated by ten more, all reminding me how futile doing anything is.
So I sit and I stare.
I try to write.
That feels like work because the flow is gone.
TV shows? Nothing is interesting me.
Music makes me too anxiety ridden and has for a couple of months now when it used to be a great source of comfort.
My mind feels like a prison and each fragment is a cell packed to brimming with inmates that are my thoughts.
Bizarre analogy?
Perhaps but fitting.
Prison overcrowding is a problem.
Maybe mental overcrowding should be too.

Especially when it leads you time and again to a place of absolute indecision.

I don’t think the real mood dip hit until after my dad visited and just started bitching at me for shit that’s not really his business. And dredging up my past misdeeds.
For awhile, he seemed like the civilized parent.
Now mom is being nice (like a rattlesnake is nice) and dad just keeps going for the throat. I am about to turn 42 so I don’t even know why it bothers me. It’s the norm. I was never able to please either parent, thinking it’d ever change, even if just to the point of apathy, was my delusion. I guess if they’re reminding me what a disappointment I am as a daughter, I can’t get a word in edgewise to remind them they were shit parents at times.

Grr…
So the day is a total wash, mental wise. And as if I didn’t have enough jagged fragmented thoughts stabbing my brain, my dad tossed some more in there for the mind to go ocd on.
The counselor who pegged my family as toxic and advised me to avoid was a sage.
Though in all fairness, if I really wanted to make my life better, I’d avoid myself.
My brain is the biggest problem.
My fragmented, restless, obsessive compulsive emotion riddled chemically imbalanced center-of-all-mental-universes brain.

Without a brain to send the right messages, all you’re really left with is jagged fragments of free flying thought like firing a machine gun in a tiny room.
Emotional shrapnel, mixed with mental mortar.

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One Response to “Restless Fragments”

  1. Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your blog and the things you share when writing. I read your post’s and it always feels like you wrote it for me. I really look forward to your post’s because after reading them, I don’t know if I can explain it that well, but I relate to what you share most times and it’s just nice to feel validated, if that even makes any sense?! I read and think, “It’s not just me that feels this way or does this or that..”. Of course, I do hate that someone like yourself is going through these things, I do hope things get better. It really is just nice to read something and know that the things I do or think isn’t such an odd, crazy thing. It’s nice to know someone can understand exactly what you are dealing with, that you aren’t alone. With that said, I wish you the best and hope this comment finds you in a better, not so sucky place. Thank you for writing and sharing these things.

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