The Fragility Of Mindset

I am forever amazed by how sensitive my mindset is when it comes to unexpected deviations. I had a set plan for the day (go to the shop, watch the clock, be miserable because I get tired of being a captive audience for one man’s ego.)
Then the school calls, twenty mins after I drop her off, declaring she has a fever and has to come home. BUT she has begged them not to make her come home.
I come off as a monster. All I did after receiving the truancy threat was tell her she couldn’t miss more school or they were gonna put me in jail. It wasn’t meant to put terror into her. It was meant to weed out her dramatic flair where she gets a hangnail and thinks she needs an ambulance.
I took her temp this morning. Tenth of a degree too high. Told her if truly was sick, she could stay home, in bed, all day. She didn’t like that idea. (I need a new thermometer, I guess.)
So she goes to school with her dramatics and I get a call and end up feeling like a bloody monster of a mom.

That’s all it took. One deviation in routine and a massive guilt trip and…
Enter anxiety.
Is the school gonna assume I am an abusive monster and have me investigated?
What was that sound outside?
Is this ache in my chest a pulled muscle or a stroke?
Will she be okay to return to school tomorrow now that Tylenol has brought her fever down and she is bouncing off walls normal?
Am I evil for thinking of sending her back?
omg,omg,omg. Panic monster rampages.
And the mood while not low, certainly has a dent or two in it.
Because deviation had happened.
What happened to me to make me such a dysfunctional freakazoid? Why am I so sensitive to little changes in plans and routines?
Why is my anxiety metastatic?

Mindset is delicate.
It’s not personality. It’s anxiety. I have to be in some semblance of control and when that is taken away by one tiny deviation…My nerves gallop off into the stratosphere.
I just don’t know how to fix it.
I’ve done all the professionals’ “tried and true” mind fuck stuff. I’ve gone off the reservation with chakra therapy and hypnosis, ffs. To no avail.
There is something seriously wrong with me.
I’d make an excellent case study. The DSM could get some new disorders to add to the manual.

They wouldn’t be able to fix me though.
I prefer not to think of myself as broken.
Mental illness isn’t fixable.
I am bent. It makes me less functional as designed but not without merit and not in need of repair or recycling.

Meh. Self pep talks suck.

I want my decent mindset back.

But life is deviation and this is forever going to be my plight unless they miraculously figure out mental illness and how to correct it.

Even if they did, we’d never know.
Shrinks and pharma make way too much money off the mentally ill.

Back to Supernatural. That show always cheers me up.
I’m fifty shades of fucked up.
At least 25 of those shades are quite adorable.
The other 25…
Well, I am a work in progress.
That’s my story and I am sticking to it.


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