End of Staycation

I guess staycations are a thing, especially when you’re broke. So my kid and I had a two week staycation for the hellidays.
It ended today.
And I am sooo glad my kid has returned to school because 16 days straight of her literally elbow to elbow with me has me feeling smothered. She’s helicopter kid. Love her to pieces, but breathing room is necessity, not some sentiment of dislike.

Now I am watching the midseason start of Sleepy Hollow. Love this show. It’s my “upper” before doing what I have to do today.
Which means going to the shop. Two weeks without having to deal with R and it was really pleasant. I hadn’t realized how oppressive he is to my soul.Just a phone call with him last night was grating. He was snappish, and it was because he didn’t hear how I phrased things, he just assumed I was being a bitch. That’s never going to change with him. Nothing ever changes with him.
It leaves me feeling stagnated, and yet…Not like anyone else is beating down my door asking me to do some work.
Still…the anxiety last night of knowing I must go deal with him and how futile it is…made my mood crash and my anxiety skyrocket.
I’m trying to discern if this is winter depression or have I finally just outgrown this person. I don’t want to be like *that* and abandon people when they become more hassle than useful…At the same time, if someone is affecting my already precarious mental state and there’s no compromise to be made…
Seems like run for the hills time.
I am, however, trapped. I haven’t truly held a job in 15 years and prior to that, my longest job was 18 months. I also have a ten year old misdemeanor on my record so I’m not exactly great hiring potential. I can’t even tell an employer in good conscience that I am stable, the past is behind me…I am better than I was, but bipolar never just “heals up”. It’s a cycle that keeps going and employers don’t allow “whenever you need to take them bad mental health days.”
So I feel trapped with this deal with R and used to, it was actually a good thing, low stress, I could do what needed to be done. Now it just feels…like an anchor around my neck.

I have already freed myself of one albatross. Clean break. Not exactly what I wanted but I have no intention of going through life with “friends” who have broken my trust and my heart and don’t even feel bad about it. I’m all for second, third, fourth chances…In this case…A message was sent to me loud and clear and I give up. I have enough poisonous relationships.

I do not want to go to the shop.
I don’t have a choice. He is going to pay my car insurance (well, technically it’s still in my mom’s name, but it’s gotta be paid) in exchange for my assistance. Necessity.
I think perhaps if I’d had one day to recover from the hellidays minus my kid, I might have been prepared to go in bright eyed and bushy tailed. But not even get a breather…Maybe it’s tainted my view.
I have NO idea.

I feel kind of “hate-y” for a lot of things today. Submissive personalities, two faced people, backstabbers, people who have no empathy, people with the emotional IQ of pocket lint…
I also feel a little hopeful. I need to tie all the negative emotions to the string of a helium balloon and release it into the sky, let it be swept far away from me so that I might have a clean slate to embrace all that brings me warm fuzzies.
My kid. Cats. My tv hows. Music. My writing. Knowing in spite of all my fuck ups I do have a (dysfunctional as fuck) family that loves me…There is much to be thankful for and have hope for.
So why is it so easy to lose sight of that just because some people present as Shiny red Granny Smiths and turn out to be warm infested apples?

Balance. Elusive and yet so desired, so wanted.

Time to take a few breaths, then get on with what must be done.
Dealing with some people really should come with a Valium the size of a hubcap. Including dealing with myself.


One Response to “End of Staycation”

  1. Good to hear you’ve freed yourself from one albatross. Keep up the good work.

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