Little lethargic today. Actually, I’m uncomfortable and not sure why. It’s like my skin is on too tight, it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t feel like my own skin, but some smaller frame of flesh stretched over my skeleton.
Sounds batshit.
It is what it is.
Got one more smack in the face today from someone I cared about. I must just be a toxic shit human being, no way can anyone have such short term relationships that don’t end well without being evil.
Then again, most think there’s no way one can have as much bad luck as I do, but that’s just called my life. No making it up, no dramatics. Just is…

I begged off the social thing yesterday. Felt lousy for doing so but I wasn’t in any shape to paste on the smile and feign interest. My stomach was churning (like that thing from Alien trying to claw its way out), my nerves were so bad I was breaking out in hives. (I still have the scratch marks today from scratching.)

So it was supper then I coaxed my daughter into my bed with promise of snuggle buggle. Because I was just in the rabbit hole and so groggy and so wired…Yeah, wired but groggy, oxymoron.
We nodded off. For forty minutes. Then the phone rang.
It wasn’t even seven p.m.
So we resumed the nap.
I woke up two more times during the night, stomach and nerves on edge. Check email, wait for word that never came until I sought it out. You don’t put people you care about through that.
Nice to know something I treasured was a total self serving manipulative lie.
Last I was awake was 3 am.
Amazingly, my kid slept the whole way through. I don’t want to start the bad habit of allowing her to sleep in my bed but I suppose if I get in desperate need of consistent rest, it’s one way to get it.

Lies. Lack of gratitude. Dismissal.

Mood swings. Anxiety. Hives.

Life is glorious.

I suspect another early bedtime coming on.

Truth be told, aside from licking the wounds of hurt feelings…I slept well. I woke up feeling like a sixty pound weight was no longer weighing me down. Change is scary and painful, but sometimes…It’s the only thing that lets you know the situation was putting a strain on you more than you ever realized.
Kinda when the donor walked out.
Seemed catastrophic.
Yet…I could breathe again once the albatross was gone.
Of course, I end up feeling shitty because people are not all good or evil, we’re all a mixed bag and blaming others for my lightweight nerves and shit people skills is unfair.

One of the best things about being human, though, is that logic doesn’t apply to human emotion. You are entitled to feel how you feel, logic be damned. As long as it doesn’t control you to the point you turn yourself into the ultimate victim, it seems healthy enough.

Skin is too tight.
Reminds me of that scene in Men In Black with the “Eggar” suit. The wife comments about his skin seeming too loose so he grabs it at the back and stretches is really tight.
That’s how I feel. Skin tightened too much.

Brings new meaning to the term skintight.


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