Stress mess

I get so wrapped up in my own mind, sometimes things slip. Like basic hygiene. I haven’t showered since Saturday. That’s not like me. I’m actually pretty big on showers. But when I start to slip into the abyss of anxiety, stress, and depression…Things like furry legs and moss on my teeth become lost in the mix.
Disgusting?
It’s been much, much worse in the past, as embarrassing as that is to admit.
Mental illness does that to you. And sometimes, you’re frozen like a deer in headlights and it isn’t until you hit that rock bottom where things have gotten so bad you’re filled with shame and self loathing…that you’re jarred out of psychological paralysis.
I’m nowhere near that particular abyss at this time, but I can feel it bubbling beneath the surface.
I have to stay on top of it to avoid going under. This has given me an image of being a militant control freak and people around me get caught in the web. They think I want to control them with an iron fist. I am just trying to control my own orbit. If I let up for a minute, the descent begins and by the time I realize it…I’m down the rabbit hole.
Time and time again I have let people I am with convince me to “lighten up, relax.” Next thing I know…I’m six feet under the depression grave.
So I fight, and the only way I know how to fight, is to be in absolute control of my own little world. I can’t control my mind and or moods. I can only control how I handle them. If militant control freak-ism gets the job done, I’m fine with it.
It’s a slippery slope, though. Letting things slide a day or two…doesn’t seem world ending. But a day or two can so quickly become months with depression. It’s a tightrope act and I have poor balance so it never becomes less daunting.

Yesterday was a vegetative day. But towards evening…I just bottomed out, the mood went into DOA mode. I curled up in bed at 7:30 after my kid went to sleep and just tossed, turned, and tried not to let the boiling emotions overwhelm me. It’s not as easy as you might think. There are times the thoughts in my head feel like a fever, boiling,broiling, threatening to splash over the surface and erupt like a volcano.
I suppose I have too much time to think. The rest of the world keeps so busy there is no time fore reflection or deep thought.
I can’t keep that pace, god knows, I have tried. And it didn’t change anything, it just ensured I bottled it all up and when it did froth up…It was explosive.
The ONLY thing I miss about lithium is the novacaine affect it has on the feverish emotions. It really numbs you to emotion. Which gets old after awhile because life without feeling anything is just as empty as feeling too much. Least the lamictal levels me out without total apathy. Sad things should make you cry, not sit there stone faced and feel nothing.
But sometimes, just sometimes…emotional novacaine wouldn’t be bad.

I am babbling because it’s what I do when I am worried and nervous. My mom had her biopsy today and official results won’t be in for 2-4 days but they are fairly certain it is cancer. That she should at the very least be prepared for a lumpectomy. That in itself is worrisome because my mom has had such bad reactions to the anaestetic (I can never spell that fucking word right, it’s annoying). That, combined with her age and health problems…It freaks me out. She can be evil as hell but she’s my mom and I love her. I have to think positively, but…fear is natural and logical. Perhaps why I rambled on about me, me, me in this post. Because there is nothing I can do to help her. Nothing.
Maybe I can help myself by returning to my former control freak self so I don’t go down the rabbit hole and can at least be in good enough shape to be supportive for her.
Because while I feel shitty for being self absorbed…The fact is, if I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. So self absorption is just a necessary evil. I feel helpless, and for the most part, you are helpless when someone you love is sick. The best you can do is make sure you’re in good enough shape to be a form of strength and support for them.
I hope they are wrong and it’s benign.

For now, we wait. I will attempt to swing back into militant gear, bathe, clean, pretend to feel the functional thing. I know from experience this is seasonal affect. By the time it warms up, I will likely be manic.
But knowing five months of the year your will to live is pretty much nil…It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
Me, me, me.
I’d love to write about something else.
But they say stick to what you know and the only thing I know with any certainty is…
Me.

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5 Responses to “Stress mess”

  1. Very sorry about your mood, and your mom 😦

  2. jenusingword Says:

    I really appreciate you sharing. It feels like I am reading about my life and as much as it sucks to know someone is struggling the same, well it’s almost a comfort to not feel alone. I can totally relate to grooming habits. I am just about everyday in bed clothes, not doing anything to clean up or get dressed. It’s been this way for years now. I try to motivate myself to look nice but it is so hard to find that energy. It’s embarrassing. I have not been doing anything to improve or better myself. I know what I should do but it isn’t enough. I feel so empty but like there are millions of thoughts racing through my head, I can’t seem to think straight. Sometimes I will be stuck on just one issue though and it can be just as troubling as having too many thoughts. I long to be better. I look back at earlier times, times that I felt were bad, only to realize that things weren’t as terrible as I had thought at the time.

    I do hope that your mum gets good news. I hope you can find that balance and strength needed to be there for her too.

    • If there’s anything I can do even if it’s just being an ear to listen, let me know. One of the worst parts of mental illness is feeling so alone, like no one can understand. I get it. I wish none of us had to get it but… I’m here for pep talks or venting if need.

      On Mon, Dec 29, 2014 at 12:54 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • jenusingword Says:

        That’s very kind of you. You’re right, it does feel like no one really understands. At times I try to articulate it, only to give up and not say anything. I am also surrounded by people that really do look at it like I’m just being lazy and that’s really annoying. I wish more people could or would talk about depression. There is such stigma about mental illness and it shouldn’t be that way. I did have someone once say that before they experienced their own issues they had thought they knew what it was like, only to go through a bout of depression themselves and apologize saying that they really understood more so than before. It felt nice to hear that but you never want a friend to suffer. I do really appreciate your blog because you are much better at expressing things I can’t. Anyway! I definitely appreciate you and I hope we both get to the better place we so long for. Cheers.

  3. I’ve been told that all I discuss are my mental issues and it’s been suggested maybe I do it to seek attention or wallow in my own misery.
    I do it because to be silent is to allow the stigma to go unchecked. By speaking up, I feel like I am chiseling away at the stone of stigma. Things we don’t understand scare us, as people. It’s my thought that by talking about the struggles I face, it educates people who don’t know what it’s like and also comforts those who do know what it’s like and how lonely it can be.
    Talking about your worst weakness is tough, but it’s also empowering. I won’t be made to feel ashamed just because society as a whole can’t evolve in their mentality. it takes nothing to stay silent. It takes courage to speak up.
    This blog is my little “go to hell” to the social stigma.

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