The deception of perception

I was awake til three a.m. Holiday stress makes me very tense and high strung. But then, I’ve been that way since I was ten years old.
Which is why this episode of Nurse Jackie is hitting home with me. Their ten year old is experiencing anxiety, drawing pictures without color or sunshine, she likes documentaries on war and famine and disease. They want to push pills.
The mom said something relevant, “Any time they show a sign of having a personality, you want to put them on pills.”
It’s true. Though usually it’s the whole ADHD thing. And I don’t discount it a bit, I have seen kids with meds and without them. There are those who don’t really need it. Then there are those kids who get so aggressive and mean that the pills turn them into totally different kids in a positive way.
Mixed bag.
But when I was ten and getting my ass kicked by anxiety, worries, and random panic attacks…I wish someone had cared enough to want to medicate me and counsel me. Maybe had I known I had legitimate issues I wouldn’t have grown up viewing myself as a freak. Maybe the kids viewing me as a weirdo wouldn’t have imprinted so deeply.

Early day, tackling the last minute details while I had a sitter for a couple of hours.
I’ve come to conclusion that Dante missed one circle of hell.
It’s called Wal-Mart.
Prior to them moving it to the far side of town and turning it into a small city sized super store, I loved the place.
Now it’s just walking and searching and going back and forth when you forget something. You could walk that place and lose a pound a day.
Fortunately, even with the holiday, I got there shortly after 8 a.m. and spared myself some hassle with the dish dwellers. For once, I didn’t have a massive sneak panic attack in the place. Which is not to say my exit wasn’t frenzied and much welcomed.

The shopping is done.
The wrapping is not.
I always put it off. I don’t do the gifts under the tree thing until the last minute because I’d prefer not gamble on a cat peeing on them.
I don’t worry about the inside cats so much, they’re well trained. But they have major cattitude issues and some outdoor cat (not litter trained) is always getting in the door. Best not take a chance.

Thanks to the church Spook attends giving me a gift card, I now own five new pairs of hole free pants. I am excited about this. I put my kid first to the point where my holey clothes make me look like a bag lady. It’s nice to know I will be half ass presentable now.
Except for the days when my “give a damn is busted” and I take a “fuckitol.”
I used to be horrified by the notion of wearing slobby clothes in public, back in the manic fashionista days.
so glad they are over. Hard habit to support with limited funds.
And now I can give myself permission to not always look my best. It’s okay to not give a damn sometimes.
Beats the days I wouldn’t come out of my room to even use the bathroom until my make up was on.

This is where the perception deception comes in.
What others perceive as a lack of self respect in not always looking pristine I view as being relaxed. So their perception deceives them, they have no idea what I am about.
Same way with my dark sarcastic humor. They think I am depressing. I find myself quirky and funny plus it’s a self defense mechanism.
Back in the prissy fashionista days, my need to always have make up on and cute clothes…That was perceived as attention seeking and low self esteem.
fact is, when I was manic, depressed, stable…controlling my appearance was my way of dealing with the frames of mind.

Perception is not everything. It’s the ultimate deception. We perceive others in a way that suits our own views and biases. It has little to do with reality sometimes.We as humans are world class judgey fucks.

So the next time you see a frumpy woman wearing pants with holes in them…Rather than perceive and assume that she doesn’t care and has no self esteem…
Ponder that maybe she’s just a tired mom with limited funds who chooses to do without so her kid can have what she needs.

There are the fuckitol days.
But mostly, I just care about my daughter.
I come second and that’s the way it should be.

So don’t perceive me as a slob with low self esteem.
That perception is a deception.

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