The Medi Go Round Goes Round Again

So I don’t see the shrink again until January but since the prozac seems to be helping, I called the nurse and asked if the doc would consider a small increase. She got back to me and said that was fine but he wants me off Paxil. So I am to drop from 50mg to 20 mg daily, for 7 days, then stop cold turkey.
It’s like the doctors are retarded. And I mean that in a clinical way, not insulting. But then they don’t take these meds so they don’t know.
Coming off anti depressants comes with withdrawal worse than coming off a benzodiazepine. The whole idea is to taper off. Dropping 30 mgs lower and taking 7 days…That’s not tapering.
So as usual, I will do it my own way, which will involve a lower dose a few days, then a lower dose every other day. Last time they did the week long coming off, I had brain zaps and such for five weeks.
Moronic does not begin to cover it.

This is a sort of scary thought but it seems wrong to treat conditions you don’t have, kind of like a man having say over a woman’s health issues when they don’t have the same parts. If you don’t have a mental disorder and don’t take these meds, how do you relate to what we go through?
And the fact these meds pretty much conk out on me after a few months, I am getting this vibe from the docs that maybe they think I am a malingerer.
Oddly, the Lamictal still works.
Anti depressants and I just don’t get along well.

Otherwise…Cold dreary gray day. Mood is blah. Thought patterns are kind of manic. Anxiety is nipping at my heels. I keep having these thoughts about how others are way more fucked up than me, they just can’t admit it. That makes me feel irate.
Then I have to feel guilty for feeling irate because I am judging them for their issues.
Though in all fairness, if your issues don’t impact me,I’m not militant about it. If you being who you are makes me feel shitty, then yeah, I hold a judgy grudge. Especially when you don’t even care enough to hear more than, “i blame you for everything that is wrong with the world.”
The counselors preach to say things in terms of, “I feel…” and “when you do this, it makes me feel…”
Some cannot be approached in any way without becoming defensive. it’s just pointless trying to reach them.
That makes me sad.
Because I know I have changed and grown. I have seen how Bex has changed and grown as a person during her time here. Maybe they aren’t the kind of changes that will cure cancer, but we make the effort.
Others…can’t be bothered because they honestly don’t see themselves as flawed.
It’s thoughts like this that make me feel like existence is futile. I can’t be shallow and relate to people on a vapid only level. I try and I try and ultimately, it is my undoing. I am tired of having feelings being akin to leprosy. I am tired of being told everything I need to change about myself to assimilate while others just stay exactly the same.

But then I remember…Maybe it started out as me trying to fix myself so others wouldn’t be deterred.
Somewhere over time though, it became less about them and more about me simply wanting to be a better version of myself. That is what I have to keep in mind at all times.
I can’t control others. Sometimes, I’m not even sure I can, or want to, control my reactions to them.
What I can totally control is my own beliefs, behaviors, and my desire to become a better me. It’s not about pleasing them, it’s about making myself feel like I’ve grown as a person.

So why do I always lose sight of that?

I don’t think 8 hours daily therapy seven days a week could undo some of my damages.
And maybe some things aren’t so much being damaged as just being different.
You cannot expect a person who has always been wealthy to understand what financial struggle is like.
So how do I expect to explain myself to others who have not been through the experiences that have contributed in making me who I am.

Sometimes, I’d like to just toss all the meds and shrinks and psychology mumbo jumbo into a big bonfire. Denial and self medication work for most people, I should just jump on board.

But that wasn’t me even before I obtained my emotional baggage. I don’t assimilate. It’s always been one of my traits I’ve liked most. It takes no courage or intelligence to take the path more traveled.
Taking the path less traveled, now that requires guts and some smarts.

I don’t need some diagnostic manual saying my unwillingness to sell myself out to fit some societal norm is a disorder.

At the rate things are going, it will soon be a disorder if you have brown eyes or red hair.

For a society that has allegedly become so more tolerant…I find it leaving much to be desired.

One Response to “The Medi Go Round Goes Round Again”

  1. I have anti depressants stop working for me too. No one can explain why.

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