Mental Swirlies

I never actually got a swirly in school (mainly because I avoided the bathrooms) but understanding the concept of what one entails…I’ve come to think of my life as one never ending swirly. You live in fear of it, know it is inevitable on a daily basis, and no sooner than you recover, bam, another one comes your way.
Only instead of teenage bullies the culprit is a mood disorder, keeping you disoriented, intimidated, scared, and frustrated to the nth.

Yesterday I was blah. Not up, not down, not even in between. Living dead girl, going through the motions. Faking smiles and humor when really, I felt nothing. Nothing, seriously. I didn’t want to be home or at the shop. It was one of those days where about the only thing I did want was to be asleep because feeling nothing is worse than feeling an onslaught of emotions.
Least that reminds you that you’re alive. Gotta be to feel pain.
Walking around in a haze and daze…You feel dead.

Today was better. Overslept which threw things off kilter but I rallied and actually felt pretty good today. Bit more focused though I’m still shaky with ringing phones and people coming in and out the door. Business at the shop has picked up, which is good, but at the same time, triggers every anxiety response I have. I’m rolling with it but after trying to maintain the mood all day…By the time I got home, I had serious cramps and was just bitchy to the extreme. That’s what time in the petri dish does for me. Sucks the life out of me and makes me defensive, hostile, and a bit adversarial. Then a few minutes after getting back to my safe space, I forget what it was I was so bent about. Thank you, whacked out brain chemicals and hormones.

I did some serious thinking earlier (because even when surrounded by people and interacting, my mind still swirls like a funnel cloud) and I realized…The reason I am so bent by the lady shrink pushing the personality disorder thing…is because maybe I do have a plethora of disorders. The bottom line is, I am quite content with who I have become and who I am. Maybe my traits are dysfunction or maybe because I grew up the way I did, it’s just an imprint that makes me view things differently than others. Since my moods do not rely on outside triggers, I am still not at all convinced I am borderline. Facets, sure, I have facets from every damn disorder there is. I think most people do. Breathing is a personality disorder these days.
But when I push aside the doctors, counselors, and societal bullshit…
I like who I am now.
Mood stabilizers made sure I stopped throwing things at people’s heads, stopped the extreme manic episodes and extreme crying meltdowns, and I no longer hover between homelessness and thinking I am ten feet tall and bulletproof.
My daughter forced me to grow up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around me.
The bills get paid, we have food, and we get what we need.
So while my issues certainly contribute to my problem with relationships, I dispute, whole heartedly, that it outweighs the bipolar. And whatever disorders I do have, like the love/hate relationship pattern….It’s what my parents had and it is what I was imprinted with from an early age. No matter how much I don’t want to have that in my life, it’s what I know and what I keep recreating.
And even though each relationship fails, I feel like with each failure, I learn where I go wrong and what I can do to change the behaviors I learned. Unfortunately, until in a relationship to put them to practice, they’re just theories.
The fact that I recognize this, admit it, and desire to fix it…
My personality isn’t as dysfunctional as they want me to believe.
And I refuse to take the word of someone who spends an hour a year with me. That’s the total amount of time my shrink sees me over the year. That hardly makes them qualified, especially when they don’t read further back in the file than the doctor before them.

My biggest problem is spending way too much time trying to be what others think I should be or want me to be.
I’m not conformist or conventional and never was and don’t ever want to be.
I have my own beliefs, my own faith, and a method to my own madness.
The mood swings often make it hard to discern…But I am learning. Slowly. And firsthand is the only way to ever truly know anything about anything.

Until the doctors spend some time in my shoes, in my mind, dealing with what I deal with…They can stick to pushing their meds and leave my personality out of it.

I have evolved. I continue to evolve. I continue to fight. I keep trying. And seeing how some people only put a half hearted attempt into it, refusing to help themselves while bitching about not getting better…
I’d say I’m more functional than given credit for.

Even if I did forget to brush my hair today and went out wearing a pair of jeans with one butt cheek torn through and flashing.
I’ve evolved.
I’m still not a morning person.
I can handle being a hot mess, though.

I can use that heat to keep warm this winter.


One Response to “Mental Swirlies”

  1. How embarrassing. I just happened to say out loud to myself that I don’t know what a swirly is, and was going to google it. My 8 year old son tells me confidently that it’s when you flush someones head in the toilet.
    He is too clever!

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