Morning Lethargy Should Be A Disability

That is my biggest gripe of the day. It wasn’t the cold, the grocery shopping, the frustration of dealing with my kid’s school…
The biggest thorn in my paw today was the fact it took me three and a half hours to truly get awake, motivated, and functioning. I am never a day person, but during the winter, my give a damn isn’t broken. It’s uninstalled.
Or maybe it’s just the cold. Or I loathe being told what to do and when I have to do it. My mom always said I did have to have things my way.
The way I see it, when your mind is unstable and chaotic, it leaves you flailing and grasping around yourself for any factors you can control. Schedule. Chores. Socializing. Others view me as some domineering control freak.
Fact is, I barely feel in control of my own mind at any given time. My mood swings, anxiety spikes, panic erupts, and none of it happens with my consent.
So I try to control the things around me. How I do things, when I do them. I don’t like being boxed into things, but I also need some half ass semblance of routine. I am a delicate balance of logic and insanity.
Shrinks theorize that this same mentality is behind disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. One feels out of control of their world, they control the one thing they can- their body.
It makes sense.
When my delicate balance is messed up, even by good intentions, I am set off kilter. It makes me defensive and sometimes, hostile. How do you tell someone who meant well that they keep stepping on your toes in a way that makes you want to shoot them with a nail gun? Especially when you yourself know you’re being a dysfunctional neurotic and yet, it’s still that important to you to have certain things under your absolute control. The line should only be crossed if permission is granted or a request is made. Otherwise, boundaries are being obliterated.
I find myself in that place a lot. You can never convince people it’s nothing personal to them. They don’t buy that it’s just a personal quirk. And why should anyone believe that when it’s so much easier to take offense.
Control.
I need to have it over my world. Not anyone else’s, but mine. Intrusion is unwelcome and resented. I bite my tongue to be polite but eventually…it’s going to erupt in some panic induced angry form.
Being me is a pain in the ass.
The more I try to be less neurotic and let things go…The more I feel taken advantage of therefore I need even more control over my world. Trying to change to appease others is making it worse rather than better. Perhaps some neurotic tendencies are just meant to be quirks, not personality issues one needs to overhaul.

I dunno.
That’s what’s on my mind tonight.
Oh, and I wrote this.

Wounds

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