Mentally Manic

Mood: subdued.
Anxiety: manageable.
Mind: racing.

Mentally manic.
I’ve yet to get off my ass and do anything aside from taking my kid to school. Still, there are the racing thoughts and this feeling that my mind is too crowded. Traffic jam of the brain.
Thing is, I am having difficulty sorting through all the noise enough to decide what I want to do.
Write?
Housework?
Watch something?
Listen to music?
Rake leaves?
I. have. no. idea.

It’s like my mind is a radio and it’s pulling multiple stations on one frequency. I don’t know what song is playing or who is yapping or if it’s a commercial.

Focus, for me, is a lot like being in one of those booths where they put money and a person inside, then turn on the blowers. You might grab up a few bills but the chaos keeps you from actually grabbing fistfuls.
I am literally in a booth swirling with thoughts and I can’t seem to grab onto just one. It’s a flood of them.

This is what has become the ultimate problem for me, the one thing the doctor has zero interest in hearing about or treating. So much of the trouble I have is due to racing thoughts and inability to concentrate, focus, and make decisions. She says it’s part of the depression. I’m on anti depressant so that will help.
It doesn’t.
The only thing that ever helped (and by helped, I mean, it turned me into a new person) was Focalin. She won’t even discuss it. So I am getting frustrated with this more than the anxiety, random panic attacks, and mood swings.

For now…I’m caught up in the vortex of my own mind and it’s making me mad as a hatter.

Mental health care in this country is a bucket of suck and fail.

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