Splat bears more gifts

I don’t often post twice in one day on this blog…But I figured this warranted it.
The original post was more about mood. I went so far as to say the anxiety was mild.


Wicked brain had other ideas. Around noon, the anxiety began to build to a crescendo. I need an IV drip of Xanax. Even picking my kid up from school was taxing. I imagined all eyes staring at me, judging me. I felt vulnerable and weak and a little unnerved. I am sure it’s just unwarranted anxiety attacking…It just feels so real,no matter how hard I try to convince myself I am being ridiculous. Time in the petri dish of public often puts me in that delicate mind frame, the panic bubbling under the surface, the anxiety rising up like an ocean tide washing over me. Drowning me with water so I can’t breathe and feel like I am drowning.
I also feel like I have this invisible target on my back.It makes no sense but it is very real in my mind. The physical responses are undeniable. They are not a figment of my imagination. I don’t fear physical harm. I just get this overwhelming sense of dread that someone is going to say something insulting. And when that’s been your entire existence…It’s a logical response on some level.

My mood is still abysmal but I am so numb on Xanax, it seems the least of my current issues.

So much ass trash.

I wrote a poem this morning to vent some of the toxins floating in my brain. Fuck it, I tried to link five times, I give up. If you’re curious, you can copy and paste. Sorry.



One Response to “Splat bears more gifts”

  1. “I imagined all eyes staring at me, judging me. I felt vulnerable and weak and a little unnerved.”
    That line struck a chord in me. So many times I’ve avoided getting out of the house because I couldn’t control my irrational fear of people judging me. At one point it got so bad I had convinced myself that strangers could see into my mind and were judging me based on what they found. It was awful.

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