The Storm Is Brewing

Two days of stability…
I thought I was in for a third. I got up today, I did dishes, started laundry…
And then from out of nowhere…crash crash burn.
I am seeing red. I can’t explain the anger. It came from out of nowhere. It’s not mere irritation. This is blinding hot anger. I am seriously feeling pissed off. I’ve contemplated getting some alcohol just to get the emotion to pipe down. Because when I get tempestuous this way…It’s just a matter of time before I start speaking up and burning bridges.
Some things making me mad are little things that I probably won’t even recall later.
Some things…have been building up for weeks. I’ve tried to speak up and met with…people who are brick walls. That pisses me off. It hurts me to say, “I’m drowning here, I can’t carry any more weight” and just be blown off by well meaning people who are too self absorbed to get it.
I have no desire to be hurtful.
But trying to tiptoe around is not accomplishing fuck all.
So I continue to stew and it’s building up and one day it’s gonna blow like a powder keg. I’ll be dealing emotional shrapnel for a long time to come if it comes to that.
And it doesn’t need to be that way.
Isn’t it customary that when someone reaches out repeatedly and talks to you plainly, concisely…you comprehend what they are saying, face how your behavior is making them feel, and take steps to improve the situation?
I guess that requires an emotional IQ high enough of self awareness.
Smart people often lack common sense and emotional intelligence.

I am just exhausted from trying to have empathy and patience but nothing ever changes no matter how many times I voice my concerns and feelings. I’m told things will change. They never do. And right back to square one I go.
The anger is a poison filling my veins and dissolving my internal organs. It started out as hurt feelings but the longer it’s been blown off…The more it has turned to sheer venom.

I am enabling those around me to hurt me.
Maybe change has to take place and the onus is on me to make it happen.
I did take that first step last night. I’ve had a friend on line for five years now who presented as one thing- thoughtful, sweet, intelligent, creative, funny…And quickly decided that’s not who they are, they are happier being shallow and vapid and insensitive and expecting me to follow suit. And if I didn’t, then I was a rejecting bitch.
After biting my tongue the last year…
I ripped the band aid off and just said how I felt.
Knowing how fragile and vindictive this person is, I’m sure I’ve opened a can of worms, but geesh. When a conversation, if you can call it that, makes you feel like your IQ has dropped fifty points…ENOUGH. I’ve walked on eggshells to accommodate this person’s quirks and damages and what they like. I’ve sacrificed my own identity and what I like and what I have going on in my life because it makes this person bored, uneasy, jealous…I tried.
I want to see the good in people.
Sometimes, it’s just buried under too many layers of bullshit, denial, and honestly, “spoiled adult brat syndrome.”

This is how I discern mood swings that turn into anger from genuine problems for me. I bite my tongue, ride out the mood, and wait until I am in a clearer frame of mind. If it’s still hurting me, bothering me, or otherwise front and center on my mind days later…It’s not some passing mood fancy.

Much as I don’t want to hurt anyone, burn bridges, or be unfair…I’m tired of being ignored and blown off. I am not insignificant and my problems are no less important than theirs. The kid gloves have to come off. Time to rip the band aid off. It’s going to hurt a lot worse if I keep bottling it and eventually erupt.
I don’t look forward to this, at all.
Having a spotlight shone on things you’re not ready to face is grueling.
But if it’s been broached numerous times and you continue to bury your head in the sand, to the detriment of someone you allegedly care about…
Maybe it’s time to risk burning bridges, if it means bringing about much needed change. Often, the wake up call we all need comes in a painful way. It’s happened to me many times and it was exactly what I needed to get me to come out of my “deer in the headlights” paralysis. People have not coddled me.
Time to return the favor.

It just hurts that it’s come to this. I tried to talk. I tried to be sensitive and empathetic. Things have gotten worse rather than better.
My priorities have to be my child and myself.
Having warm fuzzy feelings for others doesn’t make the problem go away. And if they won’t take off the blinders…Guess it’s up to me to yank them off.

Just not today. I am far too wired on anger today. I am so wired on it, I can’t focus on watching shows, reading, writing…It’s consuming me like a wildfire. This is not the time to open cans of worms.

I just feel like once the storm passes…If something is still problematic, stressful, and hurtful for me…
The time has come to issue ultimatums.
Or part company.

A thought I had three years ago and wrote on index cards to remind myself of this fact…
One can never become more if not strong enough to face that which makes them lesser.

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