Helloween Utopia

I rarely ever say this because it rarely ever happens…But Halloween was the ideal day. I was functional, my mood was level, the anxiety was lowered…I dressed up, I had fun, my kid had fun. Dad and stepmonster kept her overnight so Bex and I went to R’s house for drinks with him and his wife. It was…dare I say the word…FUN.

And today, while my back is killing me due to wearing high heels for 14 hours with my costume yesterday, I feel good. I do miss my kid. Place is like a morgue without her bringing life to it. I called this morning to check on her and the sound of her sweet little voice on the phone saying “Mommy?” made me almost tear up. I couldn’t begin to put into words how my heart burst with the love and joy I feel being her mommy. I sometimes feel like my life didn’t begin until I had her. Or at least I didn’t start living life. I don’t define myself through my child, but she has made me a better person and she makes wan to be even better.

Having spewed all that sunshine and rainbows and puppies…

It’s 25 degrees out, the clocks go back tonight, and the hellidays are coming my way. This is the juncture where I come flying apart every year, like clockwork. Seasonal affect, bipolar, depression, anxiety, family stress, money stress…It all combines to turn me into this husk of a human being who lives in pajamas and thinks everything in the world sucks. Because that’s what mental illness does, it robs you of joy, taints everything in darkness. It will come. This is not pessimism. This is hard learned fact. Part of my disorders. Some might say self fulfilling prophecy. I call it preparing myself for the next cycle, and cylothymia guarantees ever changing cycles.

For today, or at least this chunk of the day…I feel good. Actually…I feel happy and content. And that’s worth so much more than any money, possession, treasure…It is elusive and rare so when you feel it…It’s overwhelming. It’s also something you want to cling to with all your might. Losing it hurts, but not enjoying it sucks, too. I am going with the flow.

I will post a couple of Halloween pix as soon as Bex transfers them from her camera.

Embrace this positive post. It may be the last I write for the next six months. But if you’re into depression, well, have I got a treat for you. 😉


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