Paranoiapalooza

Not an awful day, mood wise. Fairly holding steady in the middle.

Anxiety wasn’t too bad. UNTIL I left the house. Then my mind started whipping up a hurricane and typhoon of panic inducing thoughts.
The teacher hasn’t responded to my email. OMG, they’re discussing how to transfer my kid because they don’t want to deal with me! Did I send it to the wrong email? Are they passing it around laughing? Have I been reported to the principal for daring to question a teacher’s commitment to my kid’s education?
OMFG, they asked her how often I bathe her. They’re getting ready to call DSF because she had scalp flakes in her hair!!!!
Enter:Panic.

It’s difficult to function in the here and now when you’re mind is a cyclone mixed with a tornado of paranoid anxiety triggers.
And it’s so bad, and I hate confrontation so much (even though I’ve never really learned when to keep my mouth shut diplomatically), there’s a part of me almost relieved the school/teacher has made no contact. Because I panic when it comes to confrontation. Panic sets off the physical symptoms which set off the fight or flight response…And my mouth acts independently from my brain with responses not based on logic but on terror induced defensiveness.
It’s been a problem for as long as I can remember. And for every one time I’m able to bite my own tongue…There are nine times I’ve spazzed out and reacted out of panic rather than the way I actually feel. This makes me come off as a rather unreasonable bitch or plain batshit crazy.
I hate it and yet…No matter how much I attempt to retrain my brain, the panic disorder does not give a fuck. People say mind over matter…Well, in the case of bipolar, it’s your mind sending out the wrong signals so you never stand a chance of working from a place of logic to truly “overcome” it.

I am calmer now that I am in my safe space and the evening promises to be dull and calm. I can deal with that. But the paranoia tugs at the back of my mind, sending my heart racing and my entire body dissolving into some much physical gelatin.
There is no such thing as overreacting when it comes to intrusions into your parenting abilities. The system is set up to blame, accuse, and assume first, then investigate and by then, it’s too late. I’ve known this to happen to otherwise excellent parents (including R) and once you’re entangled in the system…The noose is around your neck for life.
I must sound dramatic and pathetic.
There simply is no room for “keep calm and carry on” when it comes to my daughter. I am a good mom. But society has these ridiculous standards where failing to sign a baby up for gymboree is some sort of neglect. I would think myself nutty if I hadn’t witnessed this happening to others with my own eyes.
Yet I’ve known kids living in horrid conditions with guns and drugs floating about and abusive adults…But nothing was ever done.
Once you’ve seen how the system fails time after time…It taints your mind. There is no longer the self argument, “I’m being silly, no one is going to take my kid away because I’ve done nothing wrong…”
People get convicted of murder even when they’re innocent. Society cares fuck all about evidence. Rumor’s good enough for the majority.
You could argue, “But, Becca is there, she’s a witness to how well you take care of your kid.”
Yeah…I had an apartment once, and the landlord felt my clutter made me a bad housekeeper so he forced me to get an independent living advisor to do monthly inspections. The lady always said the place was tidy and yes, cluttered, but I managed what little space I had well.
Next thing I know, in spite of their reports to the landlord and in spite of paying rent on time for five years…he evicted me. His standards were that high that not even the advisor’s word and approval overrode his views.

I suppose that’s where all my terror of losing my kid comes in. Because everyone has different standards. There are some people who have one speck of dust and consider it unfit living conditions. I can’t live up to that.I don’t even believe in it, I think it’s asinine. But it’s people like that who will judge me and hold me to their personal standards rather than, “Place is tidy, there’s food in the fridge, the child is bathed, clothed and happy, all is well.”
Because it happened to R. I was there. I saw it.

So maybe my panic and level of paranoia are not proportionate to what others consider realism…I can’t unsee what I have seen. I cannot help but be terrified when intrusive personal questions are being asked of my child. I could see if she smelled or had dirt on her or smelly clothes…The question was out of context and rude and my fucked up head and lousy experiences are making spaz the fuck out…
It is what it is.
I sometimes wonder if my anxiety and panic are on some psychotic level that’s uncommon so the doctors think I am dramatizing.
It’s no drama. It’s no joke.
There are times I’ve felt less panic over a car wreck or emergency surgery than when my brain throws its random paranoiapalooza shows.

Doctor says I fixate on the bad things and live on the assumption if it happened once, it will happen again therefore I am causing myself the problems.
I say, if you see more bad things than good, it warps your mind and proves you’re right to be concerned.
And believe me, short of ect and exorcism I have tried everything (light therapy, aromatherapy, chakra therapy, hypnosis) to be rid of the anxiety disorder.
All it did was leave me feeling like more of a loser because none of it worked for me.

Oh, well. I’m a hot mess with a bucket of crazy thrown in.
Once upon a time, it was considered eccentric or quirky.
Now it’s a personality disorder.

And it’s all my own fault, that’s been made abundantly clear by so many…

Meh.
They can go to hell.
I hope the devil jabs them with his pitchfork at random intervals so they spend all their time going “what the fuck”.
Because that’s what mental illness is like.
You keep getting poked but you’re never answered on why.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: