Okay for another day

(FYI, WORDPRESS, I LOATHE THIS NEW INTERFACE WITH THE BLAZING HEAT OF A ZILLION SUNS!!!!)

I came out of the gate running (ok, limping a wee bit) because I was not in a focused mindframe. I was however, determined to make it through the day and all that was necessity. Returned my kid to school with the nurse’s seal of approval. All the while suggesting maybe my kid could just tell people (as a joke) she was gone having an eye transplant (yeah, I am macabre, but society seems convinced head lice is an equivalent of being an unbathed homeless coke whore pimp that lives in squalor). Dark humor is just a coping mechanism I have learned, right or wrong, but my kid has no filters. Last year, she was walking up to strangers, declaring, “I had bugs in my hair.” THEN she hugs people she doesn’t even know in spite of being told a gazillion times not to.

To my credit, whereas I could have opted to be petty, I made peace with my mom and she seems to be allowing it. I found nits in her hair, and since she was exposed to my kid, it makes sense. She protested that my sister has given her the treatment and combing but she seems unaware that it’s a process, not a wham bam thing. ONE nit can spawn 40 live lice in a day. So when she exclaimed, “You’re just now getting her back to school?” I did have a petty moment of , ha, see how not easy it is. But overall, I am proud of myself for not maintaining the grudge. She hurt me, but she meant well and frankly, the only advantage I have over her is my logic and ability to cut it loose.

It’s a momentary feel good moment, because NO ONE has the ability to make me second guess and doubt myself but my mom. It stems from love and close bond. You remember how things once were and you tell yourself you’re okay that’s it’s all changed but it’s really NOT okay. I miss the status quo. I miss my mom liking me even if she was just as harsh on me then. The one weapon she can wield and do the most damage is implying, or flat out saying, I am less than a good mom. That is my Achille’s tendon.

Neither here nor there.

I made it thru the day at the shop. Barely. He wanted me to read voltages from a schematic. Well, I don’t know how to read a schematic, and no, it really isn’t as simple as you’d think if you don’t have an electronics background. He was getting very irate with me because I didn’t know how to read it, then I was getting numbers turned around or forgetting them in five seconds. He thought I was trolling him. I was NOT. My brain has become swiss cheese with all the meds. The price of sanity is apparently intelligence. I wish others could understand but they really can’t and so many won’t try.

Picked my kid up. Brought her home. Went back to the shop. Served another 90 minutes. I think the break, albeit under an hour, helped me make it through my witching hour. That’s toward 3,4 pm when my mood begins to spiral down the drain and lead me to the darkness.

Went and got a take and bake pizza. They were BUSY and phones kept ringing and there were probably ten people waiting. It made me jittery but I did not come undone.

Nor did  I fall to pieces once I got home. We had pizza, I interacted with my kid without fear of being “infested”…Bex batcaved and yet, it’s 8:38 pm and I have not retreated yet. I am watching my tv shows. Right now, it’s last week’s ep of Gracepoint. OMG. David Tenant was amazing as The Doctor, but he’s also totally rocking this new reddish longer haired emotionless cop. He does need to develop a funny bone even if the show’s plot is dire. Sarcasm would be good.

It’s nice to get thru another day okay. I wish I felt good. I wish I felt happy. I wish, I wish…

But this is my reality. I felt okay. Nothing less, nothing more.

Now I am ready to become a piece of broccoli for the weekend. A vegetable. I am turning off my brain. Well, the part that engages with life. I can’t really trump the mood swingy part.I can, however, give the middle finger to the part that dictates what I must do to be a “good person.”

I think good people can do bad things but it doesn’t define them as bad, period.

I mean, I am literally broke. Yet the other day at the store, I saw they’d set up a collection bucket for the burial expenses of a man I’d never even heard of. And I tossed in my last sixty cents, not seeking a nomination for sainthood…just feeling this twinge in my chest because I remember how hard it was back when my dad and uncle had to come up with the money to bury my grandpa. Sixty cents isn’t shit but it was what I could give. I gave it, willingly, even if it left me penniless which in many states legally declares you some sort of vagrant.

I’d rather show humanity than logic. Sue me.

Starting episode three (this week’s) episode of Gracepoint. I think Tenant’s character really needs to see a proctologist about removing the stick in his ass. The writer’s are attempting to give him some sort of a mysterious past with compelling explanations, but patience is not a virtue I have. Get on with it. Give him some humanity. Maybe in  brain surgery pure logic is called upon. A cop investigating the death of my kid? He’d better be goddamn Ghandi emotionally and pour everything into finding the killer, not just doing a job.

R says I am too emotional and lack logic. Big shock that my nickname for him was Spock.

The needs of the many will NEVER outweigh the needs of the few if it involves those I love. Maybe that makes me selfish. Or illogical.

But feeling emotion is the one thing that separates us from animals. Animals abandon their young, with no ties, after they are able to eat solids. If it weren’t for emotion driving us to care for our children, the human race would die off. It would a planet of ferals killing each other for survival. Emotion is what defines us as human beings.

I stand by that, through thick and thin.

Funny thing is, even at my worst, in the darkest depression…I still believe that. It’s not a simple philosophy that can change on a whim. It’s who I am. For better or worse. This is me. And I am okay with me, even if I fall short for others.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, event-wise or mood wise.

I just know THIS day…I’m alive, I feel okay, and when I finally fall asleep tonight…it will be with a thousand pounds less weight of stress. Whether we like it or not, stress is the anchor that weighs us all down. It’s just a heavier anchor for some of us and our functionality fluctuates. That’s really not exclusive to mental illness or mood disorders. We all rise and fall with the outside events that influence and color our psyches.

The advantage those without mental illness have over those of who do…

They don’t think a bad day is just the beginning of something more enveloping and permanent.

For me, sometimes  a bad day seems fatal.

A good day feels like I am ten feet tall and bulletproof.

And an okay day, like the last two, feels like a teaser. It is okay (now), but it may not be at any given time.

It’s like living with a guillotine blade poised over your head, grazing the back of your neck…Knowing at any time, it could come crashing down and sever everything that is.

Talk about a terror stricken tightrope act every single day of your life.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Okay for another day”

  1. I’m so glad you have been doing well for a bit here, and your child has overcome the so very trying situation 🙂
    I know what you mean when you say that the price of sanity is intelligence. I want to get back into college and become a psychologist-finish up from where I had to leave due to the Bipolar nightmare. I am taking meds that affect my cognition in different ways. I’m not as sharp as I was before the first mania, diagnosis and medication. It may take us a little more effort and time, but I believe we can overcome it and accomplish anything like other people, in our own way ❤
    I very much agree that emotion defines our kind! It was very kind of you to donate the last of your change for such a great need in the need of the unknown man's burial. Your donation probably means more to God because regardless of the amount, you gave from the heart and out of love. That is awesome.
    I know how we worry when things are so tender and fragile in our lives as we deal with these moods and the chaos that swirls around. It is so normal for us to worry about having another great day, doing it all over again-conquering our minds.
    You aren't alone in this journey, dear friend! We may go through some of the nastiest storms with mood disorders and the pain life can bring, but if we hold on, we're delivered to the next level of our very existence. Nothing ever stays the same.
    Thinking of you, and sending prayers. God bless!

  2. For what it’s worth – I much rather when emotion rule my life than the times where I’ve felt nothing at all.
    One of the things that make us bipolar folk special is our ability to feel things so deeply. Our compassion puts us in good grace 🙂
    And giving when you’ve little or nothing to give is the most selfless kind of giving there is. You are an inspiration, because you keep going on even when it’s been difficult lately.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: