Impaled on the spokes of my own mood cycle

As a kid, did you ever have the unfortunate incident of a spoke coming loose from your bicycle wheel? Ever try popping it back into place only stab yourself because it’s not as easy as it looks and damn,those things are sharp?

I’ve been there and done that.
Now I am doing it all over again with my mood cycles.
I’m edging closer to the edge of being fed up and giving up again. I was okay earlier. Then I wasn’t. No catalyst, no logic. Just Wham! The mood went down the drain and the anxiety boiled over.
I keep thinking, I really need to call the dr’s office and tell them wha5t’s going on.
Unfortunately, I no longer feel this is an option because A.) me doing so well last time “made her day” and B.), all she wants to talk about is this borderline personality disorder thing and I honestly don’t see the preponderance of evidence in my history to constitute this diagnosis, even if it is loose and “just a few traits exhibited.”
I was told 20 years ago I was personality disorder not otherwise specified because I had traits from the whole spectrum but not enough from any one disorder to be labeled as such. I accepted that because it was plausible and I could see all that in my behavior.
I read and read and the borderline thing doesn’t gel because it mimicks bipolar so closely. If it were truly a belief my personality holds true (logical or not) then why does it vary according to my mood cycle?
I know I have fixated on this and harp on it but it’s really that much of a deal for me. I fought meds for the longest time because I was sure I was just fucked up and damaged because of all I’d gone through as an adolescent and teen,being tormented at school and placed in the middle of warring parents.
i tried therapy alone, believing it was my personality.
For 20 years,the therapists and doctors insisted I have a legitimate mood disorder.
Now this p doc who hasn’t read enough of my file to know my crash and burn time is seasonal change (and definitely NOT the right time to schedule an appt 3 months in the future) wants me to believe she can gauge my personality. She doesn’t know me or my history, doesn’t even try.
It irks me to no end.
The line of protesting too much comes to mind and many people really are blind to their own flaws…I just don’t think that’s me.If anything, I am the first to fire off a long list of my flaws.

THIS is where the whole mental healthcare thing gets dangerous. When a patient feels a doctor has dismissed their legitimate concerns, placed undue pressure on them (as in my well being made her day so me not doing well would bum her out) or is simply wayyy off base but agreeing to keep the peace…
I’m not gonna get well this way. I will not make progress. I will just second guess myself, beat myself up, blame everything on my stupid personality issues, and I will continue to circle the drain because even though the doctor isn’t hearing me…the last thing I wanna do is bring anyone down by being a bummer.

Is it any wonder I feel like I am going under the surface?

The proof was this morning when I had every intention of getting up earlier than normal. I set the alarm an hour earlier, giving myself plenty of snooze button time. Except I hit snooze so many times, I ended up oversleeping.
I went to do the final check on my kid’s head lice issue…and her scalp is so dry and flaky, I couldn’t tell if it was scalp or nits and yeah, I know, scalp flakes off easily,nits are glued on. When hair is wet, it’s not that easy to tell. So I kept her home again. Irked because the nurse isn’t even there till 11:45 in the morning so even when I do take her in, she won’t be able to return for full attendance credit til the next day. Meanwhile, paranoia and anxiety are rampaging, telling me I gotta get it right or they are gonna put me in jail for not sending her to school.
Because,yeah, I need more stress as I am going under and getting impaled on mood cycle spokes.

Then I went to the shop…Only to stare off into space for two hours because he was removing malware from a laptop while hogging the desktop,desk, and phone,so I couldn’t do anything I was there to do. And when I mentioned it, I got the typical male cockswinging, “I’ll be damned if some 13 year old hacker is gonna beat me with their viruses.”
I’m supposed to be there for software yet he insists on doing it all himself. I am supposed to take down part info and place orders. He insists on triple checking and second guessing me at every turn. It’s kind of an insult to my intelligence because it is the rule, not the exception. I don’t even wanna be there at this point because I have no focus and feel sooo anxious outside my safe zone…Now this person is demanding my help but not letting me help.

Came home to off and on satan channeling fits from the kid after four days of her being pretty damned good.

All I could think about all day was coming home and getting lost in writing the book I am working on…
Now I finally have the kid to sleep…
And I am so mentally exhausted,my willpower is DOA. Not to mention the change in weather has my arthritic knees acting up so bad I have trouble standing if I knee down. I’d like to blame age but this is genetics as it started in my 20s and my mom has had two knee replacements.

every time I think there’s light on the horizon…Something puts the damper on it. I think the bottom line is, when I am stable or manic, I am superwoman-ish. When the downward spiral begins (and becomes the black abyss before you even realize it)…
I am marginally functional. I’m right back to that old point of hell where I am so anxious, even making necessary (crucial) phone calls is beyond my capability. The terror is palpable and crippling,not that any mental healthcare professional has ever understood that.
I have dreams about having a job. Because I was never more content with myself than when functional enough to maintain a job and support myself. Functional enough to go out (and not just three or four months a year) calm enough to celebrate Halloween, the only holiday I truly relish.
I am less functional this year than I was when the donor walked out and I woke up a single broke mom. Even then I decorated for Halloween.
The life has been sucked out of me and I saw it coming, but I had no idea how fast it would seize me and pull me under.
This is depression.
Usually, the anxiety lessens as the depression heightens.
Not this year. This year is all deviation.
And I am walking a tightrope without a net because I have a doctor who doesn’t listen and a family that can’t be bothered to care I have a mental illness.
And further deviation is that Bex and I have for once in 12 years synchronized our depressions rather than one of us being functional while the other is down the rabbit hole so we’re not even much use to each other.

I feel like I am drowning and there’s no lifesaver in sight.
It freaks me out.


One Response to “Impaled on the spokes of my own mood cycle”

  1. imptiness Says:

    Sounds like your Dr is a “Future Dr”. Something I know a lot about. Yes we have synchronised like swimmers (I’m so wrong) but we alternate functionality, yesterday it was the Kwee show, today was the T-bex exhibit. Tomorrow it should be the Kwee-Bex Halloween special. With a little added Uzi for kicks.

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