There will be better days…if you say so

Today was ass trash. It took me two hours to get the cobwebs off my brain enough to even get dressed and out the door. I “bathed” with wet wipes because I still couldn’t work up to the shower thing.

Got to the shop to find R in some sort of fury over a tv that had a secondary problem and was pissing him off. So for the first two hours, I listened to him talk to himself and rant and rave at the tv. Fine, I watched some stuff on youtube and cringed every time his voice rose. I don’t do conflict. My parents yelled at each other, and us, a lot, and to this day, even if not directed at me, raised angry voices make my inner panic kick in.
Unpleasant and nerve racking is an understatement.
Torture came when he hit a mood up moment and forced me to sit through secondhand Toto and Dave Brubaker tunes. I don’t do 80’s wuss rock and I sure as hell don’t do jazz. I am fair enough to say, interesting for that genre, they have talent…Not my cup of tea.
So I figure give and take and play a few songs I like. Only to be told the stuff I like has no talent, no musical ability,loud,obnoxious, yada yada.
This type of hypocrisy drives me infuckingsane. If I can open my mind and say something good even if it’s not something I am into…then why does everyone around me get to tear down what I like? Sure, it sucks to you, but maybe like me, you could just shut the fuck up and say something non committal (Doesn’t move me).
Hate people who don’t play fair on the playground, which means I pretty much hate everyone around me.

It only got worse from there. I was sent to fetch things. His card was declined at 3 places. Which started a very loud tirade and a lot of cringing on my part. I get being pissed off and screaming and throwing things when pissed. In fact, I used to do all of that prior to mood stabilizers and he claims that was why he ditched me.
So…tantrums when angry are ok.
Mental illness that induces such behavior…character flaw.
Got it.

So he hogged the computer playing angry birds while on the phone to the credit card company which put me, and my mounting anxiety and paranoia, in a holding pattern because he wanted me to order parts. Have to have net to get the part numbers, they only take phone orders. So by the time the credit card drama was solved…The parts place, on the east coast, was closed.
More yelling ensued.
It’s almost humorous when this happens with him. He has no clue that his occasional bad days are pretty much how 99% of my days go. But rather than being frustrated and flustered like him when he has a bad day and throws fits, I am overreactive and negative.
For some reason, it doesn’t matter how magnificent people are in every other way, hypocrisy is just a quality that makes me hate every living being on the planet. Having a set of rules for yourself but a different set for others…
Ass trash.

I finally escaped, by that time feeling the proverbial paranoia induced target painted on me. Anxiety bloomed into borderline panic.
I get home to a glowing report of how my kid pretty much behaved like Jesus and walked on water in my absence.
Disheartening, to say the least, but it is her M.O.
(And no, Becca, you don’t have to feel bad because this is about my kid, not you.)
So I am feeling down and nervous and needy and tell my kid I want to snuggle buggle (outside the potential lice danger zone) and she gives me a kiss, says she loves me and bounces off.
Yet every other moment (including this morning upon waking) she is a glom monster who won’t give me elbow room or let me go pee without following and talking to me through the door.
When I am having a needy bitch moment…

R always says, there will be better days.
I’ve been waiting for that to happen for three years.
My biggest enemy right now is my slipping mental state. I am feeling both distant but needy which is a confusing place to be. Hug me,I am sad, wait, don’t get near me, everything I touch turns to shit.


Then there’s this war with my insane mother and father. All because my kid has lice and for some reason, it means I don’t care about her.

Sometimes, I yearn for a tornado to hit this place. Maybe it will relocate us for free,far far from this fucking place near my idiotic if well meaning family.

Ok, dramatic but running joke for years when you live in a trailer and people spazz out during storms and tornado watches. “Hey,that’s my relocation plan to get out of here, don’t knock it.”

Another month or so, I won’t even have my warped humor anymore.

The depression’s at the door and it’s gonna huff and puff its way in even if I built my mind out of bricks. But that’s ok, I will just keep steeping myself in denial so I don’t disappoint my shrink because at this juncture, I can’t take another one of her jaunts down borderline lane. Borderline isn’t cyclical or seasonal and for her to even confuse a few traits against a bloody bucket full of bipolar symptoms makes me so mad, I fear I just might be truthful and of course, disagreeing with a shrink just seals them thinking you’re an unreasonable nutbar.

My life has started to spiral slowly downward. My mind is giving me cycling mood/mixed episode whiplash.
And I’m worried my illness will offend my doctor.
All the while wondering if this lice thing is ever going to be eradicated and where I am gonna get all the money I gotta have…

Throw in the change in weather and…

I am braindead woman walking.


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