They Really Should Make Psychological Viagra

My blood is coming to a roiling boil. I asked ONE measly favor of R and he managed to find a way to flake out, unapologetically. After all the crap he has sent my way over me not dropping everything to tend his precious shop needs, his family needs, his beer needs…And he couldn’t manage to do one simple thing for me.

Now, this is actually less infuriating and more hurtful than anything.
But the world, and people around me, have let me know time and again that the ONLY acceptable emotion that won’t get you labeled a hypersensitive woman is anger. So over the years I have honed my ability to turn tear inducing hurt feelings into blind hatred and anger. I have honed that skill to a razor’s edge. For better or worse, it’s a coping mechanism I felt forced to acquire.

One. Simple. Request.

As always, the world revolves around R and the rest of us are his minions,bought off with a pack of smokes or fast food meal here and there. Because he’s such a nice guy. Who has less self awareness than my 5 year old and about as much concept of empathy and fair play.
I’ll let it go eventually. But the anger must boil and simmer and the toxins purged. I am just so tired of being let down by all those who claim to care.
Was it anything urgent I asked of him?
No.
But last year when I was drowning in the seasonal depression abyss and failed to answer two of his calls, I was on the receiving end of some nasty texts telling me he was going to start ignoring me, blah blah blah.
It stung. It turned into rage. I kept that message just to remind myself what he is all about.
Tonight has proven it beyond the shadow of a doubt. HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM.
I just wanted to feel like he was sharing the toys on the playground. I don’t know why I ever thought he would. Leopards can’t change their spots but some can rearrange them into more attractive patterns. Like me, former psycho things-throwing hose beast of bipolar.
But the leopard has to give a fuck that their behavior hurts others for any rearrangement to take place.
And I am surrounded by a bunch of clueless self absorbed assholes that they they should be accepted as they are, yet I am supposed to assimilate to what they want me to be. I make the effort. They stay exactly the same.
I am so over people and the social interaction thing. Give me a cat and a computer over people any fucking day.
Life may be so much disappointment but when it’s the people who supposedly care always letting you down, making it clear that you are the bottom of their priority list in every way…
Bitter pill stuck in the back of the throat.

Prior to this shit…

It was an okay day til I spent too much time outside my safe space. THEN the anxiety kicked in and the bucket of crazy was tied around my neck and nerve endings like a noose with a ship anchor attached.

I feel so IMPOTENT in dealing with people.It’s like they hold all the cards. I don’t value my self worth based solely on their actions but it’s a damn uphill battle when every single person invalidates you at every turn. Hell,my own kid ran right past me at pick up today because she saw Bex was with. Now I don’t want to be petty, but it is a thorn in the paw to bust my ass, and mind, trying to do right by the kid and even she treats me as something insignificant. Becca is the ONLY one who truly treats me like a human being,my only support system and I feel like a selfish bastard saying it because it’s not fair for her to be placed in that role.
Fact is, I got nothing else.
My stepmom was supposed to come by today to haul away some stuff for me. We spoke just last night and she said she’d be coming by. Waited for hours,finally called her…And,”Oh, I didn’t bring the truck to town and I had a bad day…”
AND THAT MEANS YOU COULDN’T MAKE A FUCKING THIRTY SECOND CALL TO SAY YOU WEREN’T COMING BY?
“I forgot” is the lamest excuse and the most popular. We all forget things. Just seems this amnesia issue is prevalent with those around when it comes to me personally.
It’s courtesy and respect and these people don’t give me that much yet wonder why I get pissy toward them.
It’s like they’re too stupid to grasp the concept of hurting someone’s feelings with their insensitivity.

I. want. psychological.Viagra.
To boost my morale and self esteem, to bubblewrap my feelings from being hurt while keeping my motivation “up” in spite of the feelings of mental impotence.

Thing is, by tomorrow,it will probably just be one more thing on my shit list (and oh yes, I keep one and I horde blackmail material in the event any of them get the idea of throwing me under a bus). I didn’t used to be that way. But since tears and hurt feelings are so shameful, angry bitch it has become. Angry, vindictive bitch.
It just won’t be as…frothy and sizzling as it is now.
I forgive.
I don’t fucking forget.
My Teflon coating wore off long ago and everything sticks to me something fierce now.
Yeah, I have issues.
Much like the ass trashers around me, I am just gonna say accept me the way I am and stop working on bettering myself.
Fuck it.

Except I lie. Because I want to be better than I am,not for them, but for me and for my daughter.
They are so narcissistic I am sure they think it’s all so they think more highly of me. It sounds very drama llama but I am really am surrounded by people that self absorbed and vapid.
Like when I got a poem published and my dad went around taking credit like it was his accomplishment and I was little more than a ghostwriter. All because the poem was inspired by his job. All about HIM.

This rant is totally unnecessary and pointless and likely makes me come off as an unhinged nutjob.
Purging is necessity. Gotta vent, get it out, can’t let it poison me by locking it up inside.
I am justified to have feelings.
Just because others don’t agree with how I feel does not invalidate the way I feel.

I was going to go to sleep.
Now I’m too pissed and it’s manifesting as anxiety which makes sleep unlikely any time soon. All the little therapy tricks for clearing the mind and slowing the racing thoughts are useful when you’re rapid cycling, PMSing and genuinely hurt to the point of white hot anger.

Yeah, I am really not doing well with this wanting to participate in life thing. Never really have,but with the seasonal, anxiety,and depression creeping up…I am feeling pretty apathetic as to whether I live or die. I live life. I am functioning. But I enjoy very little. Not truly enjoy it, feel it, thrive on it. Life is just one more mundane task like doing dishes or showering.

And I don’t think a complete absence of interest in life is personality, I think it’s nearing the witching hour where i swallow my pride, put on the bubble wrap dress to protect my bruised feelings, and call the shrink’s office.

Now that I have a med I would like to try, I’m betting my crap ass insurance won’t pay for it.

Not negativity, cold hard experience.

It’s to the point where I am sitting here listening to music and I find it more nerve racking and irritating than enjoyable. And I am a music FIEND.

Mental.Illness.Sucks.
I ever find a magic lamp with a genie inside, my three wishes will be:
no more bipolar.
no more anxiety.
stability to hold a job and make a decent living so I never have to align myself with thoughtless assholes just to stay afloat.

Fuck the lottery.
Actually,for me…
That would be better than winning the lottery.

Hey,finding a magic lamp isn’t anymore far fetched than me ever having money to buy lottery tickets.

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One Response to “They Really Should Make Psychological Viagra”

  1. imptiness Says:

    R is a dick, he dangles your needs in front of you like a carrot on a stick, and he knows you can’t say no. And not cause of your personality but because you are not in a position to. Spending time with him today, and watching him made me realise I don’t want to become him and live in his world of hypocrisy.

    And don’t worry, you don’t put me in any kind of position, I call a spade a spade (and no, I don’t think you are a spade) What I mean is, when I look at you I see a fellow human being so treat you as such. What you have here, I have at home. You are the only person that treats me as a human too. You have seen how I have been treated by the family recently.

    I love you dude and that’s something that’s not gonna change, I will always be here to support you even if it means sitting in silence and chatting via IM and we are in the same room. If that’s what you need at the time.

    B x

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