Psychological Epidural

I have tried to come up with a way to describe the bad depressions yet always come up short. Then I got to thinking about my daughter’s birth. I had the epidural because I am petty and hold grudges and wanted her birth to be remembered without any of that negative stuff. So I wussed out and have zero regrets.
But I remember how the epidural not only killed the pain, it pretty much rendered your brain incapable of controlling your body. The doctor says push but not with your legs but you’re dead below the waist so you don’t know what you’re doing.
For those who’ve never had an epidural, think novacaine, like at the dentist’s office. Except it’s full body and especially in your brain.
YES. These are apt descriptions of depression.
You are telling yourself, “Get off your ass, go clean, go shower, do this, do that, suck it up…”
But your body simply won’t obey. Because you are disconnected and numbed to the point your extremities no longer obey the commands issued by your mind.
Then comes mental novacaine. There’s this tiny portion of your lizard brain telling you things aren’t that bad, you will feel better if you do this, you should get this done…
The larger part of your brain that has been hijacked by a virus called DEPRESSION stays on your home page. You are paralyzed mind body and soul. Immovable. Until the faulty program is removed, your system is simply not going to work properly.
And on the days where you do work properly mentally or physically, it is rarely both at the same time because the novacaine has spread and metastasized to the point where you might as well have no limbs.

it sounds dramatic. maybe to some it sounds like crap.
It is what I LIVE. And it is very real, very debilitating, and very hard on your self esteem and morale.
once you hit a point of numbness so extreme…Ceasing to exist seems to be a pretty good idea.
Unfortunately, your mind is so fucked up, you don’t even have the energy to plot your own demise.
And if you did, you’d fuck it up because your memory is impaired, your energy is nil, and your mind is a clusterfuck of cobwebs, lethargy, fear, misery, and a complete lack of focus.

So you tie a knot in the end of your frayed rope and hang on, knowing eventually it will lift. You hope.

That’s as close as I can get to describing depression to someone who’s never been there. They simplify it and trivialize it of course, but it’s their own ignorance.

Today…I am restless yet listless. The anxiety at least is tolerable. My mood keeps bobbleheading, up down side to side. I don’t know what I am. I can’t focus. I have no energy to do anything. I’m actually kind of paralyzed, unable to even decide if I want to read a book or if I even can because my mind is so hazy and unfocused.
I can feel myself being pulled toward the rabbit hole and soon, I will be yanked down inside of it. I fight it and fight it but…Novacaine brain aka depression fights dirtier and it takes hostages.

One day at a time.

Unfortunately, with cyclothmic bipolar, the mood swings that occur in one day make that one day seem like ten.

And by the time you’re too numb to notice any ups or downs…You’re drowning in the black abyss, telling your arms to flail and keep you above water…Only to have novacaine brain take charge and refuse you the strength or ability to fight for your own survival.

Of all the things I hate…I hate mental illness the most. It is a cruel thing to befall anyone.


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