National Ass Trash Day

It has gotta be national ass trash day. Because it’s how I am feeling. My mood was low and groggy from the get go which is why I overslept. Only by ten minutes, but it did not bode well.
Another cold torrential downpour day.
I don’t want to do fuck all. It’s a lump day. Sit and stare off into space while chain smoking and trying to figure out why my mood crashed so low without any real trigger.

My mood was down to begin with but the stress level and irritation spiked when R waited until five mins before I had pick my kid up THEN says, “You coming back? I thought of some stuff I need you to do.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????
I was there six hours and because he prefers to fuck off all that time I am supposed to return to meet his demands?

I said, plaintively, “Nope.”
“No?” He seemed stunned that anyone would have the audacity to not cave into his demands. I said, “NO, I am sick of doing things on your time table.”
It was liberating to say it, mean it, and walk away.

I need time to lick my wounds. Wounds I can’t even explain how I got.
That’s the hideous beauty of cyclothymia. Explanations are rarely forthcoming.
For now, I am gonna sit and stare off into space while riding out this current fucked up mind frame.
Ass trash day indeed.


3 Responses to “National Ass Trash Day”

  1. I really like “i need time to lick my wounds. Wounds I can’t even explain how I got” and “i am gonna sit and stare off into space while riding out this current fucked up mind frame.” I decided to look at blogs my first time today because I had a “ass tray day” myself. I thought I feel like no one in my small world get what I feel, how deep it is , and the torment of what it’s like to stay status quo day to day. Why not try adventuring to the internet. I wish I could stare off into space, but the anxiety and adrenaline dont let me, yet I am so tired and love to sleep off my emoctions. I tell myself be calm relax it will pass your fucked up mind frame will be different just stop thinking it will pass. I hate when the days grab you and hold you down and you do all you can to get though but it still drains you dry.

  2. I sincerely enjoy reading your blogs. Never have I felt that I relate to someone more. Honestly, the way your describe your thoughts throughout your day seems like I’m typing out the words myself. I am also diagnosed with Cyclothymic disorder. Not surprising since my family is ridden with manic depressives on both sides.
    You have my support if you ever need to digress. I understand that sometimes you hate everyone but still want to vent to someone.

    • Your comment is the reason I blog. I’ve been told how self centered I am to assume people want to hear about my mental issues, but I spent so many years feeling so alone. It helps more than anyone can know to stumble upon something and realize, you’re not entirely alone, there are people out there who understand. To hear feedback like yours does my heart good, as well as my mind. I don’t think others grasp that we don’t want a pity party, we just need to purge our minds of the poisons of our disorders and feel like someone is capable of empathy. Thank you for your comment, it means a lot.

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