Bane Of My Existence

Last night was a bit tough. Anxiety, racing thoughts, paranoia, a need to retreat from human contact. It eventually wore me down and I visited Mangoritaville. Just one, though, to slow down my brain. Because the 2.0 mg of xanax wasn’t touching it. I can’t even explain why I was so out of sorts. I eventually calmed and slowed the thoughts. Only to keep waking up every two hours. Frustrating as hell but it’s how most of my nights have been going. I have a surplus of trazadone but I am loathe to take them because they make me basically dead to the world and gives me a hangover from hell. I can’t risk my kid needing me and me being in coma land. So I run at a sleep detriment and honestly, it’s no different than before I had a kid. I’ve always hovered between insomnia and somnolence my whole life.

Today felt like it was going to be a decent day mentally in spite of the continuing torrential downpour.
Then R called which this brilliant idea for me to get a different car. He wants me to mow a lawn the side of a football field out of town with a push mower. And thing is, he offered this job to my dad and his crew and they do a summer mowing gig. They have three mowers, three people, and even they turned it down because the grass is two feet tall and would tear up their equipment, not to mention travel costs and gas eating up the profit.
So how is one woman with a push mower supposed to do the job????? And I said as much and he got all pissy and sulky with me. Yeah, I know I need money toward a car. But if I have to rent a mower, put gas in it, then in my car for the 20 mile drive then spent about 12 hours actually mowing this hayfield…That makes no sense at all.
He of course played it off like I am this lazy spoiled brat.
And so I called my dad to ask for an objective opinion. AM I being lazy and ungrateful? Having turned the job down himself due to cost/benefit analysis, he said R is basically off his nut.
Still, here I sit, self confidence taking a beating and anxiety soaring because R is now pissed off at me for “turning down a chance to earn money for a car”.
My self esteem, outside of depressions, is generally pretty good. I am far from confident or conceited but I see my many good qualities and think I am okay.
Only when other people seep into my brain with their petty judgments and myopic views does my inferiority complex kick in.
People tend to be the bane of my existence.
And I know I shouldn’t let the insidious fucks make me feel this way, I am basically granting them permission to do it.
I’ve just spent so much of my life in between manic, stable, depressed, and it has caused me to be self absorbed and unfair and petty. I want to do better, be better.
So my current thing is being logical and fair rather than allowing my moods to control things.
This is where the insecurity comes in. AM I being fair? Am I being taken advantage of or manipulated. (And one thing shrinks and counselors can’t grasp because everything is some personality disorder- you get screwed over repeatedly throughout your whole life, you are always wary and it doesn’t help when your fears and paranoia are proven right.)

I’m not letting this episode ruin my day but it definitely put a dent in my armor.

And so the anxiety go round starts spinning because all I want is to do the right thing and be better than I was before. And I am never sure if I am accomplishing that. Because I am surrounded by people whose only idea of fairness is me caving into their expectations.

Thank God I never lost my rebellious streak or these fuckers would have devoured my soul already.

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