Thorns In My Paw

I am like a magnet for “what fresh hell…”
Let’s cookout. Fairly uneventful except I could tell Bex was so nervous it was making her sickly. Oh, and the part where my dad said it’s my fault she’s stranded here because I didn’t get her to the bus station on time. Which is shit. I had her there 2 hours early. It was the bus that was late. I really want to throttle people who say shit that isn’t true. Call me a bitch, I own it. Say I’m moody, it’s true. But saying shit that is not based on fact pisses me the fuck off.

When we got home, my kid started in with the “I’m hungry” “i’m bored” thing. Then I went to give her a bath and she threw her tantrum where it wasn’t when she wanted it so she wanted no part of it. Yet I could be in the middle of getting a heart transplant and she’d want me to stuff my chest cavity together and serve her needs then and there.

THEN the other kid so fond of making demands, R, asks me to come in tomorrow. Fine. He prattles on about broken stuff, broken stuff, blah blah blah, do this, make me do that. TEDIOUS.
And to add insult to injury he informs me his eldest daughter has a line on a car for me. The one (let’s call her Bossy) who is so overbearing and abrasive I cringe in her presence. Not to mention how judgmental she is and she’s never been wrong in her life, especially now that she has a master’s degree in psychology. (If I was her patient, I’d kill myself.)
So, yeah, now she’s involved in my business and that infuriates me. Because it’s not gonna matter if I like the car, Bossy has this way of steamrolling everyone in her path until things go her way. And considering what a spineless submissive R is, especially with her, if there is to be dissent it will have to come from me and it will start a fucking war in which he will throw me under the bus.
Do I sound dramatic?
I wish I were.
I just know R well and shit like this has happened before. The man is an expert at avoiding conflict and throwing others under the bus all the while asking, “What’d I do to make you mad?”
Nothing was ever between us. He included everyone in everything, even personal stuff, and he still does it to this day. (His poor wife has no clue the intimate details he shares with EVERYONE.) And no decisions are made by individuals, it’s a committee meeting. Like when he used to consult with his neighbor lady on whether my choice of clothing was appropriate for his kids to be seen in public with me cos ya know mini skirts and halter tops are only for streetwalkers.
I can feel my anger rising up, my frustration boiling over. The sad thing is,I have talked to him over and over. I have asserted myself to the point of cutting off all contact in an effort to get my point across. And we are right back where we started. Not even in friendship can he respect me enough to LISTEN to what I have to say and consider my feelings. Hell, he speaks to me, I should be on the ground kissing his feet, he’s that special.
Yeah, I think I am pms-ing but it still throbs like a thorn in my fucking paw.
How am I supposed to gauge my mental health when every day is one more fresh hell in my face?
Well, in all fairness, it wasn’t until today that I truly felt the stress of it all and started feeling the tornado of anger and indignation.
Is this a big deal? It feels like one at the moment.
Will it in a few days?
Will I be able to keep my mouth shut and not burn any bridges until I figure out if this is hormonal, seasonal, or my anti depressant slipping?

My mind was fairly quiet. Now someone has done something to make me feel threatened and imposed upon and the storm is brewing. It’s gonna be a bad one. Nothing to do now but pop some xanax and ride it out, praying that when it finally does pass…there are no smoldering bridges in its wake. By Friday, I may not even remember feeling this way.


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