Fractures In The Foundation

I found my beloved cat of 5 years, Belladonna, dead under my bed Monday night.We have no idea what happened. She wasn’t that old but she was pregnant, after having had a litter just six months ago, and it was 94 degrees and still sweltering in here even with air so…Many possibilities.
I am shattered by the loss. Initially, I felt panic then the tears started. I’m pretty sure my outburst freaked Becca out but I’ve bawled like a baby over every pet I’ve had to bury. It’s who I am. My pets become family, like little fur children. And Bella had a special place in my heart because she was just so sweet natured and beautiful and smart. Her loss will be felt for a long time to come. It feels so wrong without her here, I keep looking around thinking I’m going to see her.
I made the wrong move while having my tearfest because I mistakenly thought my dad would give a fuck about Bella since it was he who gave her to me. He screamed, “What the fuck you want me to do about it, bury the cat and be done with it!” Yeah, he’s a fuckhead. I yelled back for him to put the stepmonster on, at least she has empathy. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have called in such a state of emotional uproar. It was my own idiocy thinking I’d get anything but bitched at by him. Most people can seek comfort from their families. I just get more psychological scars from mine.

In addition to my beloved cat passing on, I’ve learned my car’s transmission has conked out. I have NO money to replace it. Or fix it. I’m still driving my mom’s car and since she gave that to my nephew, even though he can’t drive til he turns 18 in 2 years, I am sure the bitching will start soon about me taking his car away. Makes no sense for it to sit there rusting for two years. I need it. He can have it back when he gets his license. Oh, but no, I’m dealing with my insane family so logic won’t apply.

My mom is in agony. She’s got a scratched cornea. Least that made her less venomous toward me.

All in all, aside from stress inducing anxiety attacks left and right…My mood has been sad with just cause but none of the wacko bipolar swings or crashes have happened. Which kind of blows the shrink’s theory that my moods are tied to bad things happening to me. Dead cat, fucked car, and I am still puttering along and trying to roll with the punches.
When I can manage so well with this shit yet come to pieces during a seasonal depression because it snowed…
I just don’t buy the shrink’s theories anymore. She knows fuck all about me. And she’s basically turned me into a trained seal balancing a ball on my nose by making me feel obligated to give glowing mental health reports. Because me not doing well is “upsetting” to her whereas me doing well “makes her day”. No fucking pressure there.

Aside from extreme heat making everyone miserable and cranky, it’s been okay at home. Though the other day I had one of my old patented hostile mood swings and started having thoughts that were completely opposite of what I’d thought just hours before. I used to run with it and worry about the fallout later. And oh there was uber fall out. People really don’t like being snapped and yelled at for seemingly no reason even if you’re not in your right mind.
To my credit, I didn’t spout off this time. I forced it down like rising bile and let it fester and burn in my mind all the while wondering why I was suddenly feeling so venomous over things I really don’t feel that way about. Just like a fever comes over me and my mind starts boiling with the infection of irrational thought. Thankfully, it’s a pattern I’ve identified and am trying to rectify or at least manage. Not one of my finer moments but for that block of time…My mind becomes utterly convinced by whatever negative seed that has planted itself.
Hate it. Wish people understood. But they never do, they just dismiss me as a bitch. I wish it were that simple.

I think this is the calm before the storm, honestly. The only way for me to properly reboot from stress is to have a mini meltdown of tears and a few days of “fuck this, everything is awful, I wish I’d die.” Then I come back up and move along. Maybe it won’t happen this time.

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