Ninth Circle Of Hell

End of the beginning today. Bex set off on her trek back to the UK. Her bus was late. I don’t even know if she got to Chicago safely. It’s nerve wracking when you care for someone and have no clue if they’re okay.

Saying goodbye was hard. There were tears. Lots of tears. So much so I got lost coming back because I was panicking in traffic and my kid was crying and I was crying and…I ended up an hour out of my way, panicking because my gas gauge is broken and i was praying my math on the gas mileage was correct. I was breaking out in hives, having heart palpitations, even light headed. This is why I don’t do unfamiliar places or heavy traffic. It’s not avoiding the situation, it’s avoiding the response my stupid nervous system has to it.

Finally got home. I was never so happy to see this armpit town. I needed my safe zone so I could mourn the departure of my best friend ever. It worked out far beyond my wildest expectations. We were still laughing, snarking, and finishing each other’s sentences right til the bus pulled out. It was like an amputation.

Got home just in time for a visit from my dad’s clan. Thankfully it was brief. In my current mind state, I just want to be with my kid in my safe space and await word. I won’t relax totally until I know T-Bex is safely back in her residence. I say residence because her “home” is here with us.

There’s the family you’re born into. Then there’s the family you choose. Spook and I have chosen Bex.

I’ve been trying to work off all my nervous energy with housework. I can’t seem to take my mind off Bex tho. I keep expecting to see her over on the couch clicking away on Milton. I put dishes away and sadly tucked her tea mug into the cupboard. It was so sad. I need to go get something out of the room she was in but I haven’t worked up the will to do so. It’s too heart breaking. I miss her so already.

And no one understands how huge that is for me. I’ve never connected to anyone that way before. I am tearing up even as I write this because all my life I’ve been told how difficult I am to get along with, to live with, and yet…Bex and I had zero problems. Zero. We just connected and meshed. It’s alien trying to return to “before” when it was just me and Spook because Becca made us a family, albeit an untraditional one. The locals seemed to think we were a couple which I find amusing. She’s asexual, I’m pretty much straight, it’s just not like that. It was a meeting of the minds and spirit. Everyone else I  had to resist shoving out the door. I wanted them to leave.

Today I wanted to surgically attach myself to Becca to keep her here and claim her as a growth or something that I would die without. This, too, is not like me. I’m a very independent person and a total loner. But I guess that’s how it is when you find someone who isn’t obtrusive or absorbent of your need for space. Others smother me.; Becca let me be. I need that desperately, as does she.

I never thought Id mesh with anyone.

But I finally did. And now I just want her to come back as soon as humanly possible. Her home is here.

That’s what I’m going to use as motivation to do battle with the inevitable seasonal disorder and its depressions. Just a new chapter. Not the end. Light at the end of the tunnel that’s not an oncoming train.

Now…I’m going to lose myself in kid and cats (though knowing Hemlock was Becca’s favorite makes seeing him hurt a little.) It’s been a very very long week and I have more than earned some sighs of relief and tuning out.

I feel selfish for thinking of myself when Becca’s journey has barely begun. I can only hope for the best and wait (with bated breath) to hear from her.

So much ass trash is waiting.


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