Crazy Day

I was fine earlier.
Suddenly, I find myself anxious, panicky, paranoid, and my brain is sending wacko messages that seem to have nothing to do with reality.
The muffler broke off the car again and needs fixed cos it is dragging and I think this may have acted as some sort of trigger.
Must stay home. Indoors. Don’t let the kid out to play, no company. Little noise as possible. Look over shoulder every 30 seconds. Expect more bad things.
I know it’s stupid. I know it makes me look insane.
It is what it is.
It will pass.
For now, I truly feel like the anxiety has driven me to the brink of sanity and is what feeds all this paranoia and distorted thought.
I went out in a decent mood, functional. Then something went wrong and now it needs fixed which I can’t do myself and must rely on someone else which means being at the mercy of their schedule.
And leads to paralyzing terror that letting my guard down and existing outside the paranoid terror stricken bubble will somehow be the catalyst for more going wrong and therefore more anxiety.
I am certain I don’t have triggers for the moods, they blow in like the wind, no rhyme or reason.
But this anxiety stuff…I can identity certain triggers.
It doesn’t make it stop or any less intense. Nothing does. Xanax simply turns the volume down.
The professionals tell me I have to take control of my mind back.
I apparently don’t have that kind of strength.
I am actually scared that it’s beyond the point of no return. It was never this bad, this distorted, this illogical prior to pregnancy. It’s like the whole experience just added to the crazy. And I had a shrink tell me the shock to the system might have actually canceled it out. Guess I got the other side of the spectrum. Crazy multiplied and amplified.
But of course, it’s all in my head, all under my control, all a matter of my weak character and inability to control my own mind.

Ass trash, massively so.
My skin is climbing off my bones, or it feels like. My mind is a cyclone of paranoid thoughts and fears. Nothing I do lessens it or clarifies it to the point where logic overwhelms the crazy.
I hate this, I hate these states my mind gets into.
It will pass.
Question always is, will it pass before I totally go insane and buy into one of my distorted thoughts and set the house on fire because my brain tells me the walls are out to get me.
Okay, so it’s not quite that insane but…
It’s enough of a distortion it makes me very, very wary.

Screw the lottery.
Let me win sanity.

One Response to “Crazy Day”

  1. imptiness Says:

    I will fight your corner, I will fight off anything that is attacking you. In true British style… a cup of tea and the pie I am going to make for supper will make it all better…

    P.S… My ear has stopped trying to kill me.

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