Nobody gets out alive anyway

Yep. That’s the mental space I am in now. I sit and ponder the sheer enormity of the world and how every tiny cog in the machine has to operate in precise concert for everything to keep going as it is meant to…And I lose all hope that change is even within the realm of possibility. If it takes that much to keep it all afloat, how will anything ever be different?

Some would argue that this is a pessimistic attitude. Maybe they would be right.

Maybe I am right.

I mean, nobody gets out of life alive, anyway. So where is the point in living to die? Why strive for better when it’s all you can do to stay afloat? Fact is, you can cure cancer and AIDS, have  a gazillion dollars, everything-and at the end of your tour of duty, you go out with a toe tag same as the lowliest cretin on Earth.

Pointless.

I’m not saying I wave the white flag.

Just saying this is one of those days where my mind has wandered into territory it’s apparently too overwhelmed by. If there is no hope to get out of life alive, why am I fighting so hard to survive? What’s an extra 30,40 years with a multitude of mental illnesses dragging you down repeatedly? What’s the purpose of a life with no support system, no empathy, and no one who has the compassion to understand or care. They just want to judge you harshly.

That’s been my experience. I wish it’d been different. I’d love to spew sunshine and rainbows, I really would.

It’s a choice, they say. I call it denial. Life is both beautiful and ugly and in between are the shades of gray. You can enjoy the ride but it doesn’t mean you don’t have your days where the ugly has overshadowed the beautiful and the gray…

Mood disorders are like being under the influence. They taint your every thought, action, reaction, opinion…And a day or week later, the haze lifts and you’re like a totally different person. The thought of 40 more years of this shit doesn’t really fill me with enthusiasm. Yet the thought of not being here for my kid doesn’t sit well, either.

This s a shade of gray, I guess.

To quote a line from a Wednesday 13 song: “Pull the wings off a fly, watch it suffer and die…And I’ll never get out of this life alive..Drenched in blood with no alibi.”

Nobody gets out alive. Nobody. So you take your good, your bad, and your shades of gray and you just try to muddle through.

Even on days when you’re fucked up brain is trying to convince you there is no point and even if there were, you’re useless and don’t serve a purpose so why bother anymore.

Actually…

those are the days when you have to fight even harder to remember…It’s ugly out there but there are some amazing, beautiful things, too. It’s something to hold onto.

 

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3 Responses to “Nobody gets out alive anyway”

  1. Life does seem really frustrating and pointless sometimes. It’s my opinion though that we can “get out alive” with the love of Christ and that’s all that keeps me going 🙂

  2. imptiness Says:

    You’ll get through with Christ in your heart and a kitchen knife at your side. And a spare one nearby because after 180 stabs. It’ll begin to be less effective.

    • Hey, maybe my kid will wake by stab 150 and I can take a break while I put her back to bed and grab a new knife for when I recharge and stab my way to 193. Or 194. Or 197. Depends which crime show’s count you believe. 🙂

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