Racing Thought Syndrome

The racing thoughts are at it again, like annoying little hamsters on their squeaky little wheels. Dozens of them running all at once, crowding my head, and making me need to write to purge them all. But they are so scattered I can barely snatch a thought out of the air before ten more stomp in.

I’m not really manic, but this is a facet of bipolar disorder. The mind goes manic while the body doesn’t.

Yesterday started out ok, was at the shop for like 7 hours. Busy, busy. Then I hit the wall at 2pm, anxiety skyrocketed which made the defensive anger boil up. And I kept saying, I need to leave now…And kept getting, “Can you do this before you go…and that…and oh, this. By the way, go get my beer before you leave..”

Yeah, his beer is so fucking important. How is that part of any job or job like endeavor?

Then when I finally escaped, I got home to find my dad’s clan here. Which delayed opening the wine for a half hour. I was not amused. I took a Xanax right in front of them, I was so freaked out.I do not do the dish with any grace when it’s in large doses. Small doses I can cope. Hours and hours…the little hamsters in my head run riot and my central nervous system follows. I used to get all timid and mousy, like a cat cowering in a corner. Then I learned that that made people uncomfortable so I worked really hard to cope differently. Now it manifests as hateful anger. Not sure that’s an improvement.

We had R and his wife over last night. I was shocked they came because he always told me she didn’t like my home (ya know, people who live in trailer parks are scum and all) but she denies it and now he denies saying it. Of course. I feel those wheels of the bus he threw me under smashing my bones…

It was fun. His wife is fun when she gets to drinking. Bex and I are fun, too.

Today we went to yard sales. My kid had a screaming mimi at one and I had to pick her up and carry her while she was thrashing and yelling. Then she had the nerve to gripe one of my nails snagged her. She hovers between angel and devil, it’s like a 4 year old version of bipolar me. She even rapid cycles.

God, my head is racing. I am writing this, then I switch to the other window to write in the other blog. Geesh, this is crazy.

Maybe a Xanax is in order. It supposedly slows the mind down. I’ve never really observed that. It calms me, as a whole, but I’ve never noticed it doing shit to shut the eeeevil brain up.

Now I am done with the dish and am ready to sit home and vegetate. My kid has company to entertain her and Bex is eating a baked potato and we are watching “Murder By Numbers.” And a kitten is crying.

The glamorous life. It suits me just fine.

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