Lull

Finally today…a lull in the turbulence of bipolar disorder. Even though I forgot my meds until nearly 1pm…My mood head steady and is still holding. It’s like seeing a rainbow, a unicorn, and a pegasus all in the same day. I’ve not been happy or sad, just…steady and even. It’s wondermous. That this is the norm for others boggles my mind. This mental state ROCKS.

So why does it never stick for more than a day or two?

I was thinking earlier, in spite of the seven month crippling winter depression, which I do believe Lithium made worse…There were few extreme mood shifts. I woke up low, stayed low, went to bed low. And that lessened my anxiety a bit. It’s kind of helpful when you can cling to one mood for more than an hour, even if it’s depression. Stability, of the mind anyway, is wayyyy underrated. Only a bipolar person would really know this, of course. Stable is the norm for most. It’s a mystical magical unicorn when you have bipolar. Nice to imagine and yearn to see but not fucking likely.

I went to the shop today. R was unfocused and giving me chores that weren’t on his list so I wasn’t getting done what needed to be. I left early because my aunt died last night, plus the son of one of my sister’;s friends drowned at age 3 yesterday and it was just like…Well, I can’t ask mom to babysit and Becca offered, but I felt bad, like I was taking advantage like her sinisters tried to convince he I would…I am grateful because I need to curry favor to get Frankenstein (my desktop) fixed. He gave me an ancient laptop from 1872 but it has no drivers so essentially all it will do is boot windows and let you put things in the recycle bin. I’ll get to it this weekend. My focus is shit during the week when others are making demands on me. See, this paragraph just went off topic because I CAN’T HOLD ONTO A THOUGHT FOR MORE THAN 5 SECONDS.

I gotta find a way to get the Foculin. I don’t think the shrink will have a problem prescribing it. It’s affording it that’s been the stumbling block ‘cos insurance won’t cover it for adults. Well, my life has been shit ten ways to sunday since I went off Focalin all those years ago. I want my attention span back. I am sick of people getting pissed off, like I am being flaky to annoy them. Maybe I can sell blood…Oh, wait, my blood is pumped so full of anti crazy pills, who’d want it.

While I was at the shop, my cell rang unexpectedly…And it was my kid calling from Becca’s phone telling me I’d been gone too long (2 hours) and I should come home now. Hearing her cute little babble on the phone always warms the cockles of my cold dead heart. Though I can’t grasp how she can go to my dad’s out of town for two days and not hug me bye or hello when she returns, yet I go out for ten minutes or two hours and she acts like I’ve been gone forever. Maybe from her point of view, when she leaves, she knows she’ll be brought back. When I leave she doesn’t know whether i will be back or not., (Like her sperm donor.) I don’t know, it’s weird. Kids are good if you like inconsistency and fickleness.

I am adapting, albeit with a grudge.

Tomorrow is a vegetative day. I can’t do the shop and the dish again. Need to reboot.

Maybe I will sleep through tonight. I haven’t slept easily or long the last two nights because I had the looming clock ticking in my head. Expectations. It freaks me out to be expected at a certain place within a certain time frame. Always has. Appointments and jobs are like imprisonment for my fucked up mind.

Bent, NOT broken, demmit.

Crazy is beautiful.

Crookedly so.

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