The Bipolar Coaster is My LEAST favorite ride

Today was better mood wise. Until around 4pm, when I got back from several hours at the shop helping R while he banged his head against the wall trying to fix my desktop. (Never did.)

I got home, my head ached, my kid was in Uzi to the brain mode, and my mood just dropped. Abruptly. No trigger. No bad news. No kids due my kid being grounded for a tantrum or ten yesterday. Nothing. If anything I was free of my petri dish bondage, I should have bee relieved and ecstatic.

Odd how “should be” doesn’t apply in Crazyland. Nothing is ever consistent, everything is fluid and ever changing. It’s a lot like being in one of those glass booths filled with money and you think, oh, i will rock, this is easy money, just snatch up fistfulls and hold on for dear life. The reality is, it’s not nearly that easy to go against a force designed to create the path of most resistance. Much like grabbing at bills of money, trying to grab onto a mood and stay in it is a pipe dream. I get so mad when people act like it’s some choice or just a trigger. The whole term “disorder” should be concise enough to spell it out to even the most intellectually challenged emotionally stunted ass trasher simpleton. Alas, it is not.

I am due at the shop again tomorrow. I want my computer fixed or help replacing it, so I’m not really in the position to say no. And even though I can come in and leave (the-roy-retically) (like what I did there, Bex?) whenever I want…I still feel like I am in bondage, the tick of the clock deafeningly loud. I hate the dish. Hate it. I go stir crazy with nothing to do but put too much on my plate, like dealing with people, traffic, heat, my kid, broken stuff…GRRRR. Crazyland’s second least popular ride is the Stressed Out Go Round.

On a better note, my mood did lift upward and even out once I got my 4pm Paxil. On a not so good note, my mind is slipping even more, my brain swiss cheese retaining no memory and containing less than zero focus. The more I try to focus, the more scatterbrained I get and the flakier people perceive me to be. I am not flaky. My brain is defective. And the med I need to make it work properly isn’t covered by insurance and my broke ass can’t afford to pay cash.  So I am on another unpopular Crazyland attraction, Catch 22 Go Round.

Still, I keep trying. Gotta be some magic bullet somewhere. I’m only 41, I have time to find it…Shit, I really don’t. Because at this rate, the genetic propensity for Alzheimer’s is gonna kick in before that happens. Then I can ride the “who the hell am I” rollercoaster.

But hey…Maybe I will forget I am nutsy kookoo.

I should be so lucky.

6 Responses to “The Bipolar Coaster is My LEAST favorite ride”

  1. imptiness Says:

    In my experience, it’s the people who are dipped into the smarter end of the gene pool that develope Alzheimer’s so you are safe on that note. Ha ha! We can ride the bipolar coaster until we puke together. I want to ride the red unicorn though.

  2. I can relate. i like how you say your brain is defective as I seem to take the more negative words that it is broken. …. i know I want off the ride either way as well.

  3. I am fond of saying “I am bent, not broken.” I mean, I’ve driven cars with bent fenders and maybe it didn’t look pretty or sound real great but I still got from point A to point B. Kind of how I view my brain. Gets me where I need to go, although inconsistently and the ride is bumpy. Life’s not perfect, I don’t know why we are expected to be.

  4. msbirrell35 Says:

    Excellent work! Very well put. Thank you!!!!

  5. msbirrell35 Says:

    Reblogged this on Mental Thoughts with Mike and commented:
    Very well written blog about the joys of being Bipolar!!!

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