A day without issues…does not exist for me

I was going say today was fine, nothing to complain about it…Then I realized, this is me we’re talking about. I am professional complainer.

Bex has been low today. Because family is ass trash and they can make you feel shittier than anyone else ever could. I get it. I don’t have the answers because I still get my ass kicked by some of idiotic family bullshit. Best I can do is avoid and keep my distance. A counselor taught me that years ago after meeting my family. She said they were bad for my mental health. I think family can be that way when you don’t conform and fit the collective. Family is the borg, and if you won’t be assimilated…you will be shunned and critiqued and discussed behind your back like a naughty little child. ASS TRASHERY at its finest.

I got bills paid today. Ran errands. Had to make two trips to the optical place because my kid keeps yanking at her glasses and bending them. I’m just gonna put a cardboard box out front and live there ‘cos this is the fifth time in a month she’s been there. I know she’s young but kids learn through routine and repetition. My kid does not. She just keeps doing it and saying “what happened?” Kind of like her fit at McDonald’s when I said it was time to go and ran back into the playpit screaming. I had to fetch her, kicking and screaming, and she refused to put her shoes on and kicked me, so I just carried her to the car that way. I expect this from a 2 year old. She’s nearly five. Ridiculous.

My biggest moment of panic today was trying to back out of the MIckey D’s parking lot as their drive thru runs right through and was backed up onto the main road. So you couldn’t pull forward or back out and the car temp was raising and I felt boxed in and…Massive panic. If my heart ever stops, they can save the shocker things and just give me a panic attack. Work just as well.

I had a couple of moments of blinding anger today. Which is why I am often so wishy washy. My anger is like a fever, it boils up and over and I could so easily forget to reign it in. Bad things could ensue. I am so afraid of being viewed as a welcome mat, I think things fester and anger me more than they should. The only one who suffers is me, burning alive with this fever of anger at times. I don’t know how to stop it.

Aside from heat and itching…Survivable day. Not great, not bad. Just…one more day of the mundane. Now…my head is starting to hurt and I need a shower and I need to prepare for tomorrow’s planned outing. I pray I don’t have some abrupt mood shift overnight and go into fearful paranoid ass trash mode.

Prayer has never done me much good with mental illness, though.

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