High Strung Much?

My mood seems to be holding steady. Not euphoric, not in the abyss. I can deal with this. Not optimal but manageable.

I am noticing what a crappy mom I am. And most of it correlates to the mental stuff. While atm, the depression and mood swings are holding…My anxiety and irritability are off the bloody charts. Becca is so patient with Spook, doesn’t raise her voice, doesn’t spaz out when Spook is at her irritating worst. (Well aside from the time she stomped off to her room and then yesterday when Spook wouldn’t stop banging metal train on the table and tossed her computer on the laptop so hard it bounced in an effort to confiscate and hide the train.)

Today we went to the gas station and Spook took off running, right in front of a car. Becca was calm, I was screaming in panic. Not my finest moment, but the panic was just instantaneous. I was terrified. And frustrated, because the child knows better. She goes out of her way to push my buttons. And the counselor says she feeds off my anxiety. Well, wtf am I supposed to do? If I could do away with all this mental bullshit, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I am at this point where I feel inferior and incompetent. Then there’;s this part of my brain that simply doesn’t care anymore. The child wants  a battle of wills, she’s got one. My mom yelled at me, constantly. I survived. It actually made me grow a thicker skin. I don’t like raising my voice, or the satan voice, as I call it, but it’s the only thing that gets her attention. Her new thing is get in my face when I say no and scream YES! I have seen kids do that, but she has taken it to an extreme and no amount of time outs or taking things away is having an impact.

So I am just trying to survive here, screw being super perfect mom. I love her, I take care of  her, I am gonna make mistakes. I can only hope she turns out okay in spite of them. I TRY.

Meanwhile…Neighbors are moving out around me left and right and my paranoia and panic are rising with word that the landlord didn’t pay ytaxes so by September I may likely be homeless. This is how it goes, rats abandoning ship before it takes on more water. I have no idea what I will do if it comes down to that. And it had me so stressed earlier, I went from feeling pretty damn good to having one of my lovely little stress stomach aches from hell. Stellar.

Amidst it all, the one saving grace is that…Becca is amazing. Sawsome. She has such a good heart, even if she doesn’t know it. And I don’t think she realizes has grateful I am and how much I appreciate and value her friendship. The way we mesh so well is as magical as finding a unicorn is real. My whole life I’ve been told I can’t get along with anyone, I run them all off. This proves all I needed was someone who gets me and knows the mental stuff isn’t personal. It means everything to me.

Okay, overemoting portion of the post done.

Maybe something funny to close with. (BTW, thanks Bex I have had Metallica stuck in my head since you sent me this. Ass trash.)

Metallicat

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One Response to “High Strung Much?”

  1. imptiness Says:

    I have had Spook in my face for 12 days.. You have her for almost FIVE YEARS!!! Dude, as I said, in the UK you would get less for murder. I know that you are grateful for me, as I am for you cos I don’t do flesh and people and living tissue unless they are on the other end of an Ethernet cable. And well, those are all but obsolete now. I love you, and one of these days, I may just break my stiff upper British lipped self and break down and hug you… Stranger things have happened… Love you Ass Trash, and thank you for the summer. A week and a half in and I am STILL here.

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