I can feel the crazy creeping back up on me…

I had a good six day run of mania and functionality. I was awesome, in fact.

I was also high as a kite on a manic episode so pretty much all that “happy fun ball” Niki that came out was an illusion. Kind of like the way alcohol can be liquid courage. Mania is instant social skills. Because who doesn’t like someone bouncing off walls and emanating all those happy high vibes for the emotional vampires of society to feast on.

I think I’ve hit the wall today. Which is common with manic episodes. It was a busy week, lots of anxiety, lots of happy fun ball feelings. Feeling confident and calm and laughing so easily and so genuinely…I hate coming down from those manic episodes. Because it could be months before I have another and that is long time to feel weak and vulnerable and down on yourself and not laugh or enjoy things.

This is where the term “bipolar depression” applies. Crash landing from being in the clouds to face down on the concrete.

It’s okay. Been through it more times than I can count. It sucks but I’ll live. But the crazy IS coming. My spidey sense is warning me in the form of clenched jaw, teeth gnashing, jumping at every sound, looking over my shoulder because I am sure I heard something or sensed something. Yesterday my mindset was “Hey, maybe not everyone is out to get me, and even if they are…I am awesome so I don’t care what they think.”

Today I want to wear my ass trash tiara and lick my wounds because I am pretty sure I am not awesome, I am pretty sure I fucking suck. Because I can’t even manage to hold on to a good mood for more than six goddamn days. Nothing traumatic has happened. Things have actually gone well beyond my wildest dreams. And still…The crazy creeps back up on me like a stealthy ninja and all the good feelings and confidence abandons me and I am stuck in Ass TRashville, depression capitol, population me.

Yes, it will pass. When is the question. I am not fun when I am in this state of mind. I know Bex will get it but I don’t. I just want to live in the same headspace every day. I take all these stupid pills and they do help to an extent but when you crash this hard…It’s like the pills are a placebo.

Off to stare into space like a drooling zombie and ride this storm out. I hear crazy knocking at the door, sticking its tongue out me, mocking me because I got a taste of sanity and happiness and now it’s back to kick my ass.

Bipolar never runs out of fresh hell to throw my way.

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2 Responses to “I can feel the crazy creeping back up on me…”

  1. On behalf of the town of ass trashville, I, the mayoress would like to welcome you to our crappy remains of the world.

    I’ll be here like I am/was online, sit in silence, know I’m here if you need it. And every so often I’ll throw I’m am ass trash or two. Love you dude x

  2. I moved into Ass Trashville last November or so and frankly it’s worse than it seems! I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy! Oh wait….that’s a lie. I WOULD wish it on my worst enemy! But I DON’T wish it on you! You are not welcome here! GO! Here’s hoping that your stay is a short one.

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