up,down,up,down

My mood started low…went up…felt normal…came back down..went up…now low again.

I can’t tell if this is reaction to the Paxil or the hormones bringing on PMS. It’s frustrating but also…There was a brief period where I felt like….me for the first time in months. I liked it. I want more of it. I want that to be the status quo.

I only had one dizzy panic spell when we were out and that was after 20 mins of battling my kid at the store so I could get what I needed instead baby Napoleon dictating her demands. I think I get overwhelmed and it affects me physically. No matter how many breathing exercises or cognitive behavior exercises I do changes a thing. It just happens.

The point is…I felt NORMAL. It might have lasted briefly, but it reminded me I am in here somewhere. Not the husk that I have become, but the real me. The one who does find joy in life. She lives.

And the fact it happened on a gray day with constant rain when I am so sensitive to the weather moodwise…it gives me hope. Because the way I woke up, so full of panic and dread for the summer ahead…I can do without. I don’t need to be manic. I don’t even expect happy. I just want to feel level, able to cope, like myself when all the medication stars align.

It could be around the corner. I want to believe, like Mulder. Seriously, little green men, me feeling good, both are unlikely…but what if?

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