Crawling in my skin

Another ‘don’t leave the lot” day. Being broke kind of makes that choice for you. People love to point out all the free places you can go. Yeah, if you have gas to get there. Walk, you say? 5 miles with a 4 year old who tires easily? I don’t think so. Plus we had thunderstorms all day so mother nature chimed in as well. Stay at home day.

I’ve been sleepy and narcoleptic and it feels like every part of me weighs a thousand pounds. If this is Paxil, I am breaking up the band. It’s been a week, if it doesn’t lift soon, it ain’t gonna. Being this tired makes me more depressed, how does an anti depressant even manage to make things worse. Oh, well, one more to add to the list of failed attempts so I can look like some freak who just likes popping pills that don’t even get me high and give me side effect hell.

I am crawling in my skin. That’s what it feels like. The anxiety has swooped in, wreaking havoc, and it’s manifested as paranoia and panic. Proof: I LOVE the X Files, bought season one and two on dvd last year. Used to love falling asleep to it. Now..I barely got through 4 episodes and the suspense of the bad guys being after Mulder and Scully got to me, I cried mercy. I don’t love X Files any less, I am just inclined to say now is not a good time for it.

And that’s what it boils down to for me. It’s about the frame of mind I am in. When I am well, I do well. When I am sick, I struggle. It ain’t rocket science. I am surrounded by all these people who’ve known me my whole life and see the pattern over and over yet always go, “What happened?You were doing so well and now you’re…” Yeah, now I am ass trash who can’t cope with a sneeze occurring at the same time as a hiccup, I know, I live it. Depression happened. I think it explains a lot of my mothering issues as well. I’m not in that strong mental place and my kid senses weakness and tries to exploit it. I in turn feel victimized for her being a normal sociopathic toddler. Though I think most kids are turned up to four and my kid is on eleven. Others have made the notation, as well. At my best, a high spirited kid is a fun challenge. At my worst where my juggling act is failing and she is pushing limits…It’s a trainwreck. Hopefully not a fatal one,though. I want to get back on track.

Just don’t know how. Everyone makes it seem so easy. Keep busy, exercise, play with your kid, do things you love, you’ll snap out of it. That ranks right up there with prayer as a cure for a condition that needs surgery. You are entitled to your faith, but my faith is in something more scientific. Like my chemicals are wonky and I need a medication to make them right. My perception taints everything and I can’t alter perception if my mind refuses to get out of gutterspace.

Tomorrow is direct deposit day, thus bill paying day. Normally, I am looking forward to it if only because I treat myself to a pack of smokes. Not this time. I don’t want to go out. We need things and still, I don’t want to be bothered. I can’t handle the stress. I haven’t had one of those dizzy panic spells since last week and now I have to go out and risk it. It’s not to be looked forward to.

My mind is just not right. I am also getting hives from my anxiety and even my own hair touching my skin feels like itching powder. How I wish I could just keep crawling..and get out of my own skin. Maybe find some skin that fits more comfortably or at least more consistently.

I also want a pet dragon so obviously, I’m a dreamer.

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One Response to “Crawling in my skin”

  1. Thank you for helping me understand what it must be like for you. My son had Bipolar Disorder but i didn’t understand what to make of it, probably because he lasted just 10 weeks after his diagnosis. I just didn’t get time to learn. Well, I have learnt a lot since. Take care of yourself and hang in there. You are loved. xxx

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