Inescapable

My mood has been gutter level for three days now. Nothing seems to help. It’s like my joy bone is broken. NOTHING brings even a spark of excitement or desire to my mind. I am going through the motions. I am faking it. Pasting on the happy face. It’s just not working. What really pisses me off is that this is WORSE than I was 2 months. Then I could at least focus on my writing. Now even that seems pointless. Try writing a damn storyline when every single idea and outcome not only fails to motivate or resonate, but it bores you. There is nothing not impacted by my current mind frame.

To top it off, as warned, the Paxil is making me sleepy and I feel half narcoleptic. I know coming off Viibryd will take time, Paxil will take time to kick in, I just didn’t realize it was going to mean landing face down for days on end.

I took my kid to see her grandma today. I had plans to do housework, yard work, write, dye my hair…Instead, I took Paxil, got very cold and curled up under a blanket and went to sleep. Then no sooner than I was asleep, kids came knocking at the door looking for my kid. So I went back to sleep again even though my instinct was to fight the grogginess and get stuff done. My reasoning ended up being, other than folding laundry and raking leaves, there is nothing pressing to be done and 6 straight days with a sick kid left me pretty exhausted…

Sounds valid. Except I can’t stop beating myself up for sleeping for four hours. I thought, well, it will make me have energy tonight and I can fold laundry and stuff then…WRONG. I am fighting to stay awake now. Having had a nap, I can only assume this is med related and if so, Paxil and I are not going to be friends. I can’t stand meds that make me somnolent. Reality sucks but dealing with it while awake is my way of feeling like a tough girl. Sleeping your way through life is soo easy. I don’t want that.

Maybe it will go away after a few more doses.

I need a shower but I dont think it'[s gonna happen. In fact, my eyes are so heavy, I may manage to press the publish key before I fall face down into bed.

Fuck.

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