Yeah, Megadeth’s song “Angry Again” was written for the way I felt upon waking today. Oh, it’s subsiding now that I have plied myself with a double dose of Xanax but I’m still pissed off about every tiny thing. Like having to take xanax at all, let alone doubling up.Why do I have to deal with a plethora of displaced emotions? Whose Cheerios did I pee in? Suckage.
Last night was awful. I don’t even know what to call the episodes other than “sleep paralysis.” I laid awake an hour and then from nowhere I’d be like awake…then suddenly, I’d be asleep but aware and I wouldn’t be able to move a muscle and panic would set in which would bring on smothering sensations. I’d manage to claw my way out, sweating and panting…And WAM. It’d happen again. I counted TEN times it happened. Once, I was in some unfamiliar (but posh house I wouldn’t mind living in) and the front door was wide open and all I could think was, my kid, gotta get to my kid..But I was paralyzed and I couldn’t move and I was fighting with everything I had and soooo terrified and it was so vivid and real…
I resisted medicating though, just kept fighting my way out of it and trying to calm down. I was honestly so terrified, I came close to waking my kid and putting her in bed with me because mommy was that scared. It’s been a long time since the sleep paralysis thing happened. It was awful.
Today the anxiety is in full swing. My skin feels like its crawling.I am sweating buckets in spite of being cold. Spook is home again but she’s going to my mom’s so I can see a man about some anti crazy pills. But I’m so angry and confrontational I’;m half afraid he’s going to say something to set me off and watch me burn bridges like the emotional arsonist I am. Shit.
I’m wondering if all this is tied in to going off Viibryd. I can’t see how one missed dose could do all of this, though. Not to mention they are 40 mg tabs so it’s not like weaning off is going to be all that easy without chopping them up and hoping the dosing is correct. I’d rather rip the band aid off.
I forgot I was supposed to have my lithium levels done today. Fasting test. Genius that I am took my dose last night then…ate. I can’t get i right, I just fuck up everything I touch. I have no focus, no clarity.
My give-a-damn is busted.
My mind is just overactive with thought, my central nervous system firing wily nily. I don'[t feel well. I feel paranoid and suspicious and actually…scared. Fight or flight response is in the wings and it wants to send me into the stratosphere.
Maybe I need to listen to some Megadeth or Black Label Society. Aggressive angry music cheers me up.
Tonight, though. I drink. Screw this good girl thing. It’s been six solid days of stress and mood anarchy. Bottoms fucking up.
I’ll berate my own poor coping mechanisms later.