Crash And Burn Is Lurking In The Shadows
Today has sucked. My mental state, combined with a whiny bawling sick kid, has just made it a bucket of suck. My nerves are fried. To top it off, the NUMB that I normally love from Lithium makes me a shit mother. I come off as uncaring and self absorbed but I am concerned for my kid. It’s just like under ten layers of chemical Novacaine. I feel like a monster because I am going through the motions. I want to feel empathy. I want to coddle and all that warm fuzzy mom stuff. But I have a manipulative drama queen daughter so it is often very difficult to tell when she is truly sick or when she is yanking my chain.
Were I a good mom, it wouldn’t matter. The drive to fuss and coddle her would be there. I mean, I am not an ice cube, but my mood was super low to begin with, her incessant wailing has worn my anxiety to fever pitch, and I’m kicking my own ass for thinking of myself when it should be about her…But the fact is, I am supposed to take care of her and my world has spiraled so far out of control, I’m barely keeping us both afloat.
I think a crash and burn is coming. I don;t know when but I have this sick feeling in the pit of my gut that I am going to wind up in the Rubber Ramada. I have been depressed for too long, devoid of hope for too long. It’s warped my perception, given me an attitude, made me super irritable. I can’;t keep up with it all anymore. Housework? Really, I find it hard at my best to keep up with that and now…
I’m buried alive. Drowning. Smothering.
While those around me are doing pretty damn well and I am on the hamster wheel to nowhere.So I feel like an even bigger loser.
I am in such a bad place I don’;t even want to write. How bad did a day have to suck to leave you without energy to do the one thing that’s kept you alice your whole life.
Ass trash. Massively so.