My stats are booming…misery does love company
I get a giggle when WordPress alerts “Your stats are booming!” People must love reading what a loser I am so they feel so much more superior themselves. Whatever. That’s my pessimistic cynical side. My optimist side wants to think it’s because others are in a similar boat and like reading the struggles of others to feel less alone. Maybe the truth lays somewhere in between.
I keep doing this thing where every night I go to bed in this depressive state and think, “Well, the seasonal affect should lift now that the season is changing, I might feel much better tomorrow.” It’s not happening, though. I’m still low, irritated, frustrated, stressed, and can find no real reason for existence. I’m in such a vile place, I can’t even say “Well, my life is shit but I would want to live if I could have Suzy Q’s life of excitement and wealth.” Nope. I don’t have that much going on. It’s gotten so redundant I get annoyed with myself.
Yet this is what I am stuck with and I am trying to cope and it is joyless and like being on a hamster wheel to nowhere.
I watched a Foamy the Squirrel this morning. Normally Foamy makes me laugh hysterically. For six months it has failed me. Today it did as well. But it was about the psych med conspiracy wanting to make everyone sedated and medicated so they’ll be controllable little drones. Bullshit. My meds solve shit. They help WHEN they work. I am so sick of the pharma conspiracy theorists. I’m the biggest rebel paranoiac out there so if I honestly believed for one instant I didn’t REQUIRE these meds, I’d be on a soapbox.
One line in the cartoon that resonated though was when Germaine said, “I’ve been on the anti depressants so long, I’ve forgotten what I am actually like.”
THAT is cold hard truth there. And it’s why so many of us have a history of going off our meds so we can be reminded and that’s where the cycle of suck begins. Few of us started taking this shit for giggles. Few of us stick with it because we love the plethora of side effects. We just know without them is much much worse and we have a dozen loving family and friends who will back this up. NOt that they like us any better with the meds. They just don’t understand why we can;t be normal.
That’s the point. Normal people don’t five finger discount and drink until they wake up in a pile of garbage crawling with maggots while being served an eviction notice because they used rent money to stay wasted. Normal people don’t throw shoes at people’s heads in a fit of fury then curl up in the bathtub bawling “:I love you, don’t leave me!”
Off my meds, I am all of those things. It’s not normal. It’s not what I want to be, ever. So I take my meds and they mostly don’t work and I keep taking them because this is me making an EFFORT to get better and be better even if I can’t remember if I had constant stomach aches or sensation of bugs crawling all over me before I started Lithium or Vibryd or whatever. Then I go to counseling because I’m told I need it and I get told I have various personality disorders, most of which are also symptoms of a mood disorder, so I don’t know if I am coming or going and I am all upset and confused and angry. STILL, I keep trying, keep taking the meds, while mainstream media and various flotsam and jetsam judge me and criticize me as being lazy and weak rather than having a legitimate illness.
Yeah, the pills are a kick, I do it for the attention.
Who knew a two minute cartoon could inspire an entire rant? I am fucking gifted that way.