So I am watching season one of Supernatural (again) and they were talking about how someone who is panicking or has emotional damage is leaving themselves open to demonic possession. And my first thought is, I AM DEMON BAIT. But really, what self respecting demon would want to occupy my fucked up brain? I’d thwart their evil plan to maim and murder with an unexpected mood swing of tears.
I think of these things. Not because I believe either end of the good/evil spectrum but my imagination isn’t merely vivid, it’s technicolor.
Not a bad day. Ran errands. Cleaned house. My mood keeps going up and down as the sun comes up and goes down. I swear my depression is directly linked to the weather. It goes beyond simple seasonal affect disorder.
After dodging invites for 3 weeks, my guilt kicked my ass and I accepted an invite to visit with R and his wife tonight and so Spook can play with their granddaughter. I am already in hyper dread mode with the anxiety kicking up dust like a cyclone cloud. The professionals tell you to force yourself to be social, it will be good for you, blah blah blah. They’re too clueless to know that in a true depression, being around others doesn’t help. Not me, anyway. I spend the whole time ill at ease, with a mask of normalcy plastered on, while my mind is circling the drain wondering how much longer I must endure before I can be free.Yes, free. It’s like a prison sentence. And I don’t blame it on others being bad company. It’s just the depressive mind frame. Maybe this sort of thing helps mild depression. Major episodes, it just makes me feel even shittier because that slim portion of my brain that predates the depression will turn up the volume on the conscience and I will feel guilty for not enjoying myself and for wanting it to hurry up and be over.
Truth be told, were it just me, I’d probably dodge again or come down with temporary ebola monkey flu. But after months, I know Spook wants to see her friend and I failed to take her to a classmate’s birthday party the other day because I was in such bad shape…I can’t let this shit rob her of a childhood the way it’s managed to rob me of a life. But I can also only fight so much, there will always be casualties with depression. For tonight tho, I am gonna suck it up and put in 2.5 hours max before a polite leave. I keep telling myself I might enjoy it. R hasn’t spoken to me in 4 months I pissed him off so bad. The tension is not something I, or my panic disorder, are looking forward to. His wife says wine will be involved. That should make him easier to tolerate.
I sound awful I suppose. It’s soo easy to sit on the outside looking in and judge others. I do it myself, usually without intending to. Usually because I was judged first. Until you’ve been in that exact same spot though, your opinion is null and void. Don’;t just walk in my shoes. Wear my dysfunctional brain for a day. I wish others could. Then they’d grasp just how much it’s all not some sort of affect or put on. I don’t hate people for fun or sport. I don’t avoid contact because I think I am superior. My brain just sends out so many wrong messages. And right now it’s telling me I’d rather stay home tonight and just feel crappy without extra incentive.
Alas I will go. I will put on the mask and appear civilized. I won’t mention that the panic has kicked in and is telling me I am in danger from some unseen entity. I will smile and chuckle and pretend I get the same joy out of life as others.
Faking it has become a way of life.
Kinda makes being demon bait seem attractive.