Advice is like leprosy:I don’t want it

Seriously I value input, I truly do. BUT to get a three page comment from some person declaring he’s the greatest thing since god and he has cyclothmia but he is superior to normal people and he’s telling me not to take meds….Geesh, am I a freak magnet or what? He proved the point of exactly why I do suffer the dreaded meds. Because a crazy ranting manic monster is what I’d become. I’d be leaving comments like that and be clueless that I was being a nutbar because my meds STOP ME FROM BEING A NUT BAR.

I get a lot of comments like that and I just spam them. I don’t have time to deal with people who are on a manic delusion. You don’t want to take your meds fine, but I’ll keep mine so I don’t get the notion I am more important than God.

Today was non eventful. My mood was mid ground. Not up or down. Anxiety came and went but tolerable. My kid was less demonic than usual.

Dr’s office called to change my appointment to the 26th because my doctor is on leave for two weeks and they have some male doctor filling in. Me, in my infinite self absorption, didn’t wonder for a minute why my shrink is out. Like did she get sick or hurt or a family member die…No. It’s all about me and I DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH NEW PEOPLE ESPECIALLY A DOCTOR AND I NEED TO EXPLAIN MY MEDS AREN’T WORKING OH GOD WHY DID SHE DO THIS TO ME.

I suck that way, I own it. But it is hard for me to talk to new people, and I have had shit luck with male shrinks listening to me, so my anxiety isn’t without grounds. I need stability and all I ever get are revolving shrinks and counselors. They wonder why my trust issues are exacerbated. I try to go with the flow as I don’t have a choice but still…a fill in doctor makes me nervous. The Viibryd simply isn;t up to snuff and my doctor had said she had other ideas to try, so I’m gonna go see this guy and he’;s probably gonna keep on this stuff or want to go with one of the old school ones then she will come back and… I’m reaching that point of frustration with the meds not working and the side effects, I just want to quit taking them all. Well, except Xanax, it’s my bestie. Seriously tho. The psychologist I talked with a couple years ago told me it’s very common for bipolar patients to stop taking their meds because they feel better or the side effects are so bad. I don;t want to be cliche and I know I need my meds, but I have so many strange side effects Ive forgotten what normal physical health feels like.

I don’t want the meds. I just know they are a necessary evil. Now give me something that works properly, I might whip out the pompoms and cheer for the pharma companies.

Ok, I’m tired and more disjointed than usual. My kingdom for Focalin. Think when I was on it was the only time I actually managed to stay on topic and not come off as having scrambled eggs for brains. Sad thing when the doctor will prescribe but insurance won’t pay so you’re screwed. It might not cure depression but I’d be less depressed if I could think clearly and focus.

On the bright side…there’s the sun. Or it could be an oncoming train, I get confused.

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