Describing Depression

The weather is changing as spring nears. Higher temps, more sun. My mood is flickering. It wants to lift. It just isn’t.  I’m starting to think Viibryd isn’t my magic bullet.

Today has seemed endlessly long. I cleaned a bit. Broke my vacuum which I’ve had all of a month. My third one in three years because I apparently can’t even do that simple task without fucking it up. Went to pick my kid up from the bus and I made a comment to one of the other kids and the mom snapped at me. I am just socially awkward, and unfortunately, I spent three hours beating myself up over it because while it makes no difference to me as I don’t know the woman so I’m not burning my own bridges here…But I got freaked by the notion my social awkwardness could make this woman take an attitude toward her kid and mine being friends. And it’s not stupid, I have seen it done. Hell, my brother wasn’t allowed to play with two kids in his school because they belonged to my former sister in law and she hated me. Parents are petty just like children are. And my kid paying for my sins, no matter how inadvertent they may be, bugs me.

First warm day in months…I had 5 kids out in my yard screeching. I wonder how many there’d be if I had the swingset hauled away. Stupid kid magnet. They’ve pretty much destroyed it anyway. But I took the bullet because Spook’s been locked inside for months.

My dad and his brood came by. I made a comment about Spook keeping me up til 3am every night this week and needing a break and my brother said, “Well, you wanted her.”  Yeah, fuck you. I’ve been with my kid every day for 5 years sans a day here and there. Needing a break isn’t a complaint, its a damn white flag being waved. But that’s how it is in my family. My mom gripes that she never sees Spook but then I ask her to watch her and suddenly I’m not interested in my kid, I just want to ditch her. There are times I cannot believe there wasnt a mix up at the hospital, how can I be related to these hypercritical soul crushing idgets?

I’m ranting. Oh, well. At least this day is over. Even my gums ache because I’ve been grinding my teeth inadvertently with anxiety. I feel so out of sorts. The pressure to cheer up is crushing me. Yeah, I know, it’s been months of me bitching about being miserable. I am fucking sick of it too. I have tried and tried. Hell, I even took up walking and getting sunlight and NONE of these so called cures are helping, ffs. My brain simply isn’t processing right.

It occurred to me, people without depression cannot grasp it. BUT  if I were tasked with describing it (not that they’d get it)…It’s a line I have seen in books many times so I can’t quote a specific one. But I think it aptly describes depression.

“She smiled, but the smile never reached her eyes.”

Yeah, that’s what it’s like.

Every.Fucking.Day.

You smile but you don’t mean it because you can’t feel it. It never reaches your eyes.

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