Existence is Futile

That title is probably only funny to a Star Trek: Next Gen nerd like me. Oh, well, bygones.

I had a good day the other day. It was vodka infused.

I paid dearly. Worth it to have one day out of how many months where I actually didn’t want to spit on people…I am trying to mend fences with those my depressive isolation has offended. Except…I’m still in my depression and in all honesty I am not ready to be social. I’m not feeling it. If anything, I am feeling the opposite. Which means my attempts at assimilating into the “good mood and optimistic” person they want me to be are going to be a colossal failure. But…my kid wants a playdate which mean mom has to suck it up and pretend to want one with the adults. Hopefully liquor will be involved and I just might pull it off then come home and vegetate and recover for a couple of days.

My brother has to go to court AGAIN, same girl has a restraining order against him AGAIN because he was “allegedly” overheard saying he wants to run her over with his truck.At this point, the whole family does, let her get orders against all of us. My brother has the emotional age of 8, but he’s 19 and they placed him in a school with “normal” kids that age…Is it any wonder he has issues? Today stepmonster had to drive 80 miles out of town to take him to see a shrink because he is threatening to hang himself over it all.

Apparently,being mental really does run in the family.

Myself…Those zaps I was feeling where I thought the anti dep was working…They’ve gone away. Mostly I feel like I am surviving. Good spot here and there but so fleeting it’s hardly worth all this damned effort. And whereas my public panic/whoozy meltdowns used to seem exclusive to Wal-mart( cos i don’t do well well large spaces and crowds) they are becoming every time I go out. Like I am allergic to the public.

Today might not be the best day for me to post, I have cramps and that hormonal psycho hose beast thing going on but at the moment…existence really does feel futile.

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