I hate the biplolar coaster!!!

Today’s mood was off. Ass trash. Up, down, functional, lethargic. Irritating. And the anxiety drove me to the xanax bottle like a thirsty horse to a water trough.

There was NO reason. No trigger. No added stressors. NOTHING, for fuck’s sake. I had way worse days this week and was able to hang in there.

This happens. Little too often for my tastes. Part of the bipolar coaster ride. I normally love roller coaster rides. Not this. This one sucks.

This is affecting every aspect of my existence. I always thought I would be the fun mom. Turns out, I am inconsistent irritable paranoid mom who can barely remember to brush my teeth, let alone plan out fun activities to do with my kid. I am a crap mother. I blame the mental illness but I know all too well that society will chalk it up to my personality. Well, I might buy that if there were any consistency to it. It all changes on a dime day in day out.

Welcome to cyclothymic bipolar motherfuckers.

I just wanna go to sleep and reboot my brain. I can’t get out of this mental space no matter what I do. It’s sticking like flypaper. Which makes me feel worse because everyone says I should be able to snap out of it.

It’s a shame the lithium has stripped me off all emotion except anger. I can’t even cry but the anger hasnt been dulled a bit. I want apathy. If I feel too much too strongly and can’t regulate it and that’s all my fault…well show me the way to feel nothing. I’m fed up. I am tired.

I want off this Unamusement park ride.


One Response to “I hate the biplolar coaster!!!”

  1. You’re not a bad mother. You’re a mother who has to deal with some bad things. That’s all. Fuck what society says. Fuck what everyone else says.

    Praise yourself, you got out of bed when every fibre told you not to. Shake those pom-poms girl! I can shake them for you, sometimes we can’t do it ourselves.

    I’m your cheer squad. I’ll attempt a human pyramid but can’t promise anything.

    Also the truffles are coming 🙂

    Much love darling.

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