Shaken and stirred

Weird day. I had errands to run which put me into the anxiety stratosphere because two stops involved the bigger stores and I got woozy and dizzy and it was daunting. That it only seems to happen when I am out in the petri dish seems to say to me that the dish causes great anxiety. No amount of self pep talks is working. It’s become physical symptom inducing and my resentment for the status quo and it’s “deep breathing” and “suck it up” mentality is immense. I’m off my butt, dealing, out there trying to function and get shit done, but I’m not a moron and I can’t just pretend I don’t feel like I’m gonna faint cos the panic is so bad. Denial is not in my skillset.

Mood seemed okay–ish for most of the day, especially once I was out of the dish and back in safe space. It did, however, crash at one point with no trigger and a toe tag was required. It had died.

Got a surprise visitor that made me half manic with anxiety because as much as I like the woman, she is a housekeeping snob and I know my slob-chic style will likely have her in therapy and gossiping for weeks to come. Oh,well. Mrs. R (ha, so long since I mentioned that drama who remembers?) stopped to say she misses visiting with me and Spook and he apparently fed her some story and was all angry at me.  Because I didn’t answer my phone when he called. That’s all it was, and he tells her something else entirely. This is why I am a misanthrope. But she is very nice and he is…whatever. That’s twice now, Sunday, Kenny came to visit. R is the only one pissed off at me and holding grudges. Go figure.

Needless to say though a surprise visit, even if it were from the sweepstakes people with a check, sent me into this anxiety induced tailspin. I’m not mad, just disoriented. I haven’t liked surprised visits for over ten years since my brain got scrambled and every tiny thing became this huge stressor. Just need to regain equilibrium.

Thus far it is proving difficult. Tomorrow is my kid’s V’tine’s party for school so I had to fill out her little Valentine’s. I bought the cupcakes for the party so I have to drive her in the morning to drop those off. Then in the afternoon I see the shrink. I will have to leave my kid at my mom’s and hope my mom doesnt start in on me because I can’t well be mean to a woman who is waiting for her mri results to find out if she has an aneurysm…

Stress stress, everywhere. I am shaken and stirred. I keep telling myself to breathe. Not a big deal. I will cope. Blah blah blah. But I am once again having the weakness and dizziness that accompanies the anxiety when it overwhelms and logic is getting its ass kicked. My focus is all over the map. My stomach is knotted up.

Mrs. R pointed out, “Well, you handled it all so well for so long, what happened?”

That’s precisely the problem. I don’t juggle well. When given too much to juggle for too long…It wears me down. My meds fail…And no matter how hard I cling, it;s just down the drain. I never noticed it until a counselor pointed it out as a factor in why she felt it crucial that I go on disability. I can manage so much. But life doesn’t limit what it places on you and too much always sends me into a tailspin. Though a lot of people can’t manage as they had been when their meds quit working and alter their mind frame. Not exclusive to me.

Ok. Now is time to convince myself even though my spleen has ice crystals on it, I really must shower. Though I feel so tapped out all I want is warm blankets and sleep. I can juggle,sure.

But this is the price, being ground down to dust.

I despise juggling.


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