Got venom?

I had so much hope that today would be different than yesterday since school was open again and routine was returning.

Oh, noooo, the chemical maelstrom in me has other ideas.

I was ok until after I got my kid on the bus. Then it became a two hour ordeal trying to bully myself into a shower. Which is tough enough with depression but when you’re shivering non stop and it won’t alleviate even with blankets or layers of clothes..The prospect of ice cold air on your skin is as appealing as gargling razor blades. I hemmed and hawed internally. Finally ripped the band aid off, so to speak, and enjoyed another hour trying to get warm again but hey, at least I met societal norms. That’s all life is about anyway, trying to fit some mold and live up to expectations of others because of the godforsaken mold.

I thought it might be okay, picked my kid up off the bus, thought grocery shopping was in order…SMACK!!!! From out of nowhere, and i mean nowhere, came the anxiety, paranoia, fear, and panic. It hit like a storm, no preamble, no trigger.

Which makes me want to eat the souls of people who tell me to identify my triggers.If I could I would, damn it! It’s not that simple for me. Maybe it is for a million other people who fit the textbook mold. But on my child’s life I swear…there was no trigger today. It just hit like a linebacker and I went down hard. I got us to a store grabbed necessities and came back home because I just couldn’t do more than that. Not with a woozy swimming head and this overwhelming paranoia causing me to feel absolutely terrified.

My old counselor, who did NOT suck at his job, told me some days when it’s that bad, you can only meet one small goal and then give yourself permission to not feel well and ride it out. That advice has been gospel to me for sooo many years. He was a bloody sage, and I mean that whole heartedly. Best.counselor.ever.

Except I get the displeasure of being surrounded by a new regime of people who somehow think I am just not trying hard enough or am enabling myself to be depressed. I mean, the ONE amazing thing learned in therapy has become this thing to bite me on the ass now and I am fucking resentful as fucking hell.

Which brings me to…maelstrom. Yeah, it took me awhile to figure out why my Lithium apathy was suddenly dulled and all of this aggressive hatred and anger was coming on.

Hello, PMS. I don’t have the happy PMS, though.I get the dysphoric kind that once a month, turns me into a psycho hose beast. Or more so, anyway. I don’t like feeling angry at people for no good reason, especially when they mean well and it’s just that my opinion differs from theirs and my opinion happens to be reinforced with a surge of unpleasant and uncontrollable hormones.

This is not something anyone without menstrual dysphoria can understand, not simply men. Some women don’t have it and they don’t get it either. But it’s a lot like having a fever and you can just feel it raging through you, making you feel hot and flushed and heated. I get this for a week every damned month. It makes me volatile, but it isn’t a choice. I didn’t opt in. I’ve had men with the mentality that “women use their periods as an excuse to be a bitch to men.” Oh, sweeties, if only that were true, I could turn it off and on.

Kind of how I feel about being bipolar. There is no off switch.

But again, goes back to the mold and meeting societal expectations. I don’t even fit into my disorder because all my symptoms are so outside the box. Which makes people question its legitimacy.

I am just feeling so hostile and I hate it, this is not me. Apathy is my thing. I like numb. A little anger and self indignation are good. THIS level of anger is just wrong. I know it’s the hormones colliding with the mental stuff and I am trying to rein it in and not spaz out…But sometimes it gets away from me and sometimes venting is good. I’ll never be convinced otherwise. At least I vent by writing. I dont think anyone has ever ended up on Deadly Women for angry typing.

I’m pondering the death of this blog. I’m just so disgusted with everything, with myself. I wish I’d never learned about mental illness. Life was less complicated back when people just thought I was an eccentric nutbar. Maybe I’ve become to absorbed in mental illness. Or maybe I’;m just in such an altered state I should go to bed to ensure a surge of hormones don’t drive me to start chopping off my hair.  I used to do that. A lot.

I even hate this blog right now. And my nerves are so bad, I have’t been able to listen to music in 2 days because that which I normally love and thrive on…now sets off panic attacks. I have no idea why. But the panic is pretty much hovering near the service constantly these days. I don’;t know why that is, either.

Maybe I should just go with the anger, I at least know what that’s about and that it will pass in a few days. This other stuff….defies logic and explanation and that’s just gonna make me crazier. I’d say how crappy I feel right now but then I’d have to feel guilty for it because obviously it’s all my own fault. Yeah, next time I won’;t check that box on the application saying “Yes,I want to be mentally ill.”

Ass trash.


One Response to “Got venom?”

  1. imptiness Says:

    DUUUUUDE… Where are you???

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