Sanity Challenged

I’m not crazy.

I am, however, sanity challenged.

Society has such a black and white view of what determines sanity and insanity. The court system is to blame. I watch way too much crime TV type shows to not see how asinine it is and what a disservice it is. Legally, you have to be naked and wearing a tinfoil hat while eating laundry soap on the main street to qualify as insane. But if you’re significant other pisses you off and you kill them it can be diminished capacity because it was a crime of passion.

Altered mental states are the same, as far as I am concerned. Only degrees differ.

Monday and Tuesday…I was walking a razor’s edge of nutsy kookoo.

Wednesday and Thursday…a winter storm dumped 8 inches of snow and sub zero temps and I am busting my butt to scoop the drive and take care of everything for myself because I don’t want to be dependent or need help. That sounds sane.

Tomorrow…consult the magic 8 ball, who knows where my brain will be.

It’s gotten so old. I haven’t showered in 2 days and it has NOTHING to do with laziness. Not sure it’s even depression. It’s the fact that I am constantly so cold I am physically shaking. My kid is fine so it can’t be the place is too cold. But something in me is not right, at all.

I’ve also been eating chocolate by the fistful, another thing that is NOT normal for me, at all.

I could use this post as a prime example to my shrink f just how unfocused and flaky my mind is at present time, but wait, I see a TV screen, not an actual doctor.

I do think on some level, against all the winter depression, the Viibryd is trying to work. I can feel these tiny surges every so often, like glimmers of hope. They don’t hang around but it does give me something to hold onto. It’s only been 3 weeks, but those twinges could mean it’s trying to work. I’ll see her Wednesday, see if my dose is maxed out.

Demmit, I am trying so bloody hard here.Trying to be a good mom, to take care of myself, my home, not rely on others, to manage my illness. At times I think I am doing ok. Other times the bad friends in my head tell me I should kill myself for being such an utter failure. (And my mom said my “fuck you” attitude would never come in handy,well, surprise, it truly does when rebelling against your mind and its sabotage.)

Oh.Mom.She had an MRI and they’re scared she has an aneurysm. I was apparently too detached and apathetic when she told me. I’d try to explain the Lithium apathy but then she;d just go off on me about blaming my own inadequacy on meds.  It’s not personal. My cat Azazel went missing months ago and it bothered me..but no one tear could be squeezed out. Lithium makes you feel so numb it’s like mental novacaine. That’s the good thing to quash the extreme highs and angers of bipolar.

Not so good when the people around you have something scary going on and they think you’re just insensitive. Bloody hell.

I keep telling myself a month max, one more month of this winter crap and then I should be free and clear, so one less thing to be bogged down by. Then I wonder…what if it doesn’t fix things? I know my patterns, but since my pregnancy altered my brain chemicals so much…the only constant is there is no constant. Nothing’s the same anymore. And it’s frustrating and maddening but you know what it is the most…

Scary.

I may be 41 and have a child and all of that…But I’m still a human being and not knowing my own mind anymore and living in such a state of neverending flux and terror…

is scary.

In this perfect world everyone else lives in I guess I could lean on family and friends.

In my world,no matter which parent or alleged person who cares I’d attempt to lean on..I’d just get told to suck it up.

So I self isolate and try harder and fight more and the bipolar coaster ride goes on.

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One Response to “Sanity Challenged”

  1. Hang in there. Bipolar Disorder needs routine I’ve found. Whatever that routine may be. Something else that has helped me find direction and protection is W.R.A.P. developed by Mary Ellen Copeland when she was on welfare with no where to turn. Google it. Wellness Recovery Action Plan. I have one, and I’m a certified facilitator of it. You organize all your wellness tools that work for you, figure which ones you have to do daily, look at your triggers and figure out action plans so they don’t make you feel so bad, examine how things look when they are breaking down and make action plans for that so things get better not worse, and also you create a crisis plan just in case, where you name everything that will happen, who will help,who will not, how long, where, when, etc… if you ever get hospitalized. Anyways it’s a lot of work but it is another tool I use to keep well.

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