McCrazy,part two

(This will make less sense if part one was not read.)

They’re baaaaack.

Brief respite today when my little friends,aka The Bad Thoughts, went away. Nothing good ever lasts. It’s back. Telling me the chick at the cable company was rude to me when I paid the bill whereas earlier I was willing to blame myself for misconstruing.

Telling me the nurse at the shrink office was wayyy out of line to so snottily declare “You shouldn’t have waited until you ran out of lithium to call about a refill.” Telling me I was bitchy when I told her I HAD tried to take care of it three weeks ago by letting the nurse know I needed refills.

Telling me that my stepmonster did not do me a favor by replacing my wiper blades so I could pay my power bill. NO, she did it nefariously to hold it over my head and ultimately prove I am a lousy mom who can’t provide for her kid.

These “friends”, these BAD nTHOUGHTS, are on my last fucking nerve and making me think I am gonna have to broach the topic of anti psychotics with the shrink. But I took them in the past and they did fuck all but make me sleep. The “friends” went nowhere. Ass trash.

I’m losing my fucking mind.

I know without doubt my salvation will be the end of winter. Once it starts to warm up and stay light longer, the depression will retreat for two seasons. It’s seasonal depression,duh. And it’s soo not a selective thing where I decided I wanna be depressed cos I don’t like winter. Truth is, I don’t care a whole lot for summer and all its sweaty heat and endless hours of bright ass sunshine. I don’t like all the people out and about making me anxious and panicky and paranoid. That’s always been the litmus test for me in determining whether I’m playing some head game with myself.

I’m not. I despise most of summer and yet…The mood lifts, often becomes manic, functionality skyrockets. Over and over, year after year, my entire life. Not that the shrinks have ever given it a second thought other than to suggest spending money on expensive ridiculous daylight simulating lamps. Lack of light isn’t the problem,it’s the damned cold, it does something to me.

Frick.

Makes me wonder how much of my life has been lost cos of crap doctors and depression that might not even exist if I didn’t live in an area with such drastic seasonal changes. I’d love to move elsewhere but damn it, that winning lottery ticket eludes me.

But in a day of mental hell and tantrum provoking hassles…I will say one good thing.

I had a good day with my kid, she was very affectionate and happy that I am her mom. Which should be the norm but really isn’t so when it does happen..I appreciate it all the more. Maybe she doesn’t hate me, maybe I’m not screwing her up, maybe it’s all worthwhile and my “friends” telling me otherwise is just so much ass trash.

These friends, the thoughts, can go away. I’m a loner and they’re not paying rent in my head so…hasta la vista.

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