The lights are on but nobody’s home…again

I think that title accurately describes my disorder. You see a house with lights on you think all is well, people are home, blah blah blah.

With me…the lights may all be home but there’s nobody home half the time. Meaning…don’t be fooled by minimal functionality.

Today was not great. Nothing happened. Just in different mental space. I was restless, irritable, indecisive, and nervous today. None of which makes you feel pleasant and embrace the concept of living. Instead I felt the day feeling vulnerable and weak and paranoid and suspicious and TERRIFIED. Of what, I have no idea. No one came by. There was nothing to fear. But that lack of logic is what makes it an illness.

I don’t remember it ever altering my mental state  like this prior to my daughter’s birth. Something changed and it was not for the better. She supersized my crazy, I think, by taking out what little sanity I had through the placenta.

Ass trash.

I’ve taken a Trazadone. I just wanna get warm and sleep. I don’t like this mental space. Or the panic lurking beneath surface giving me heart palpitations because tomorrow kicks off the grind of another school week and I have to go pay bills in the petri dish and…

I pay for every good day I have by morphing into this. Is it any wonder I’ve gotten to where good days freak me out as much as bad ones?


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