Oh the can is open and the worms are everywhere today. I am talking supersized McCrazy here. My anxiety is so bad I could’t swipe my debit card cos my hands were shaking so hard. This is bonafide batshit insane territory for me.

Started ok, aside from it being minus five degrees out and me being in nicotine withdrawal. I was motivated. THEN that ass trash piece of shit car just had to piss me off by both doors being frozen shut. NEVER happened on my 70’s or 80’s models cos they were made of actual metal, ffs. I tried leaning against it, chiseling the ice, lock deicer around the seals…Nothing. So that sent me into a pissed off tantrum which is asinine but it happened. With the clock ticking on getting my kid to school, I let the anger fuel me and eventually won that particular battle.

(with a plethora of swear words some sailors might blush at, but I am classy that way.)

Got my baby to school. Treated myself to a pack of smokes, which with a coupon, cost less than four bucks and bargains always make me happy. Then I went to the store for household stuff…And that was when it all started going wonky. I was woozy, lightheaded, my knees felt weak, my hands were shaking and sweaty, my heart palpitating and then, the coupe de grace….All those little thoughts that lurk in the shadows of my mind came out to play and remind me people ARE out to get me. They think you’re fat and ugly, they’re gonna tease you like in school.  They know you’re nuts so they’;re gonna label you a bad mom and take your kid. Your car is going to break down and leave you stranded and no one will come get you cos you’re such a waste of space.

Oh, those sweet little thoughts that aren’t legitimate enough to be McCrazy-esque “voices” or “delusions” and yet are so real and powerful you want to check out the aisle with the summer grilling supplies and see if they Barbecue skewers are out so you can jab a couple into your brain in hopes of wiping out whatever section is letting those evil thoughts out to play.

It didn’t get better, I got dizzier and dizzier with the panic. But to my credit, I did pull myself up by the boot straps and go pay bills and buy food for my kid. Function above all else. It was scary, though. Not just the thoughts, but feeling so woozy and being so shaky. Even for my crazy ass it was extreme.

And when the thoughts have come out to play, it really makes basic interaction difficult. Because that friendly cashier making small talk may be perfectly harmless but your “friendly thoughts” are reminding you of the threat they pose. Never mind logic it’s got no place in McCrazy land. Wish the damn professionals could grasp that. There’s no the difference between what’s real and what’s not, and then there’s being trapped in your own mind with nowhere to run from the stuff that’s not real yet still SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF ITS LUNGS AT YOU.

I think maybe I need to talk to someone. NOT a professional. But who? I really have no one to turn to with this mental stuff. I tried talking to my mom and that blew up in my face.

I’ve pondered talking to my sister. I’m sure she would be empathetic, but she’s the one who “cured herself” of mental illness so the notion of her advising me to do the same doesn’t seem all that helpful. Plus she’s so busy and self occupied, she wouldn’t have time to spare me.

I do talk to Becca but she has her own demons and well, our moods never match so if I am in the gutter and she is up, the idea of bringing her into a bad mental space breaks my heart.

That leaves…No one.

Just me and my nasty little thoughts and panic and this out of control feeling that after all these years of struggling but managing…I’m not doing so well anymore.

My one respite is my devotion to my daughter. Though the nasty thoughts went to work trying to taint even that earlier by pointing out how I am gonna screw her up with my mental shit and my personality disorders so she’d be better off being raised by a chimpanzee…The thoughts are really cruel. My subconscious maybe? My fears talking? Bottom line is, I won’t fail her. Maybe I’m not well adjusted and level and conventional but my love is pure and that’s gotta count for something.

Well I’m still shaking but being home in my safe zone seems to have helped considerably. Still…They’re calling for a big snowstorm so I have much still to do before tomorrow.

I can’t get the gas cap door to open and the car is almost out of gas so that was one more tantrum I had, in front of others, and by then I was so frustrated I didn’t even have the decency to feel ashamed of my behavior. I will tackle it again. Because the definition of life apparently is beating your head against the wall and asking why do I have a headache.

I bought food for my kid…and forgot about myself, so a grocery store outing will be needed. FUCK.

This day sucks already and it’s not even 11am. What fresh hell…I want that on my damned tombstone.

One Response to “McCrazy,supersized”

  1. As long as you love your kid and she’s healthy I’m pretty sure you’re a great mother. But seriously, I know what you’re talking about with the voices

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